The Ambivalence of Being a Christian

I'm starting to be able to rest in ambivalence a little bit more and realize that I'm neither here nor there. One of the ways of understanding being a certain kind of modern Christian is quite analogous to the pains of being a self said Kierkegaard. There's always an implicit modal confusion there which even comes out in the language I am it but I can't not be it right? We are definitely not alone like in some ways it's a kind It has become one of the defining characteristics of being a Christian or being a particular kind of Christian is being caught in that predicament.