You do you can disagree with me about stuff. You can call me out about stuff that you think i've done wrong, but you're going to have to do it in a decent way. And if kids discover that they're actually allowed to have complaints about mom, as long as they raise them respectfully, that's going to be really ferent than dealing with dad, because you cannot get anywhere raising grievances with an abuser as his kid. And they are going to notice the difference. So you want to go for a firmness that's also kind of gentle, and try to make that a higher priority than the legal battle. As the court is going to largely do things wrong. That's just the way the custody court is. It'll occasionally get some things right, but it's going to largely get them wrong. And so the court's not going to be your best protection. The court will help you sometimes, but a lot, to a great extent, the custody court will not. And your best protection is going to be the strength of your relationsip with your children. And so that actully needs to be your number one priority. And one thing that worries me a lot is that litigation gets so consuming you can't sleep at night. You're thinking about it all day long. You've got a qart date coming up in ten for three weeks, and all you can think is getting ready for that court date. And you're not having good time with your kids because you're tense and you're preoccupied and you're reading the documents and and the reality is the hearing that you go into really well prepared doesn't really go, usually, any better than the hearing you go into kind of ill prepared. The mae sense to go somewhat prepared, but not to prepare tn its. The courts aren't based on what's reasonable sothat. You're preparing all these things based on the assumption they'regoing to proceed inn a reasonable way. And they won't. So make that, don't make it a tenth priority, but do knock it down to the second priority. And first priority has to be the quality of your time your kids. And i see with abusers when kids have fun with mam, and mam is physically affectionate with them, and mam encourages them to really be loving with each other and not be mean to each other, and to have each other's backs. Oh, another thing, and this is true for parenthing in general, not just for parent thing this situation, but one of the mistakes that i made is apparent, and this has nothing to do with abuse, but is that idid too much kind of being the judge. When there was conflict between my kids, like my kid, tt yo havme a comn, i would listen to the two sides and be like, the ok, i rule in your favor kind of thing. And mistake, i didn't realize what a mistake i was but that's a mistake. You really have to help your kids learn how to fight things out for themselves in a fair decent way and reach their own in fact, my kids finally had to tell me, dad, you need o leor own fight and the the but that's extra true when dad's an abuser, because if help kids be able to work out their own conflicts, then he's going to have not only less success turning you against them, he's going to have less success dividing them against each other. And when i see these families where mams and mam and the kids have really stayed together, the kids have mom's back, and mam has the kids back, and siblings have each other's back. The abuser tends to have so much less success and getting kids to come live with him, you know, ecaus he wants to do stuff like, soon as you turn 16, oh, i'll buy you a car if you come ad live at my house. That's a classic auser mental. I mean, manoeuvre, you dere hide with their mam. That manoeuvre goes nowhere. They're like, wy, you think i want to live with you and or to have a car compared to living with mam? Forget you.

Yes.