Where you sit on the conflict spectrum

Tonya advises listeners to identify if they under- or over-communicate and practice adjusting toward balance.

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If you’ve ever swallowed your needs, kept the peace, and then randomly lost your shit over something tiny (hi, dirty spoon in the sink), this episode is for you. Therapist and author Tonya Lester is here to talk about conflict, boundaries, and what it really means to be “difficult” in a world that still rewards women for being nice, accommodating, and endlessly available. Tonya is the therapist women call when they’re done being walked on. A Brooklyn-based psychotherapist with decades of clinical experience, she specializes in women’s emotional health, conflict skills, and relationships.

We dig into why so many women default to do nothing → do nothing → do nothing → FREAK OUT, how to stop building silent resentment brick by brick, and what it looks like to push back early and often—in love, in work, and in every relationship that actually matters. This is real-talk conflict management for women who are done disappearing to keep everyone else comfortable.

In this episode, we get into:

Why “being difficult” is actually a compliment when it means being honest, boundaried, and real
The subtle ways women suppress their needs in relationships, families, and at work (while telling themselves “it’s not a big deal”)
The do-nothing-do-nothing-freak-out pattern—and how to catch yourself before you emotionally flip a table
How to say hard things clearly and calmly: phrases you can steal for your next conflict at home or in the office
The difference between healthy anger and full-on rage (and why anger is often a sign you still care)
When ultimatums do have a place—and when they’re just emotional terrorism
How to stop over-functioning in your relationships (aka rowing both oars while the other person “rests”)
What to do when your partner, boss, or friend refuses to collaborate—and how to decide if it’s time to stay, shift, or go
Tiny, doable ways to practice pushing back if you’re conflict-avoidant but deeply over people-pleasing

If standing up for yourself has ever been labeled “too much,” this conversation will help you see that maybe the problem isn’t you—it’s the system that benefits from you staying small. Let’s fix that.

Thank you to our sponsors!

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Connect with Tonya:

Website: http://www.TonyaLester.com

Book: https://www.amazon.com/Push-Back-Others-Without-Yourself/dp/1608689468.

FB: https://www.facebook.com/tonya.lester.58/

IG: https://www.instagram.com/tonyalesterpsychotherapy/

LI: https://www.linkedin.com/in/tonya-lester-b9a3ab14/

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