Speaker 2
So I don't know that you've
Speaker 1
ever held back. Let me show you my favorite mug here. So
Speaker 2
he is showing a mug that says queer AF and his beautiful colors. Colors of the rainbow.
Speaker 1
The rainbow. So the book is about my journey, really, over the 13 months. It's in two parts. That's the first part, which is part memoir, part educational. The second part is geared towards helping people who use IFS with grief, which is, as you know, with an area of speciality. Because it's harder on the ones left behind. All that I have to do is lay down, right? And the others, yourself, everyone that's connected to me in a heart connection, most of grief. So how manage that in a way that makes it feel? Less onerous, right? The way grief tends to happen is the grieving parts will come up and they need to be attended to. Sometimes they flood and blend, which is fine, especially with fresh grief. And then they ease off and there's an oscillation when other parts of life, OK, I have to go home with my life. And that's the dance. People associate grief with death, obviously. But throughout my journey with cancer, there's been a succession of losses. And the same parts come up every time there's a significant loss. I have not been able to eat for a year. I drink and share. My food is pink or white or brown for a year. Oh, wow. Yeah, so just think for a moment if you cannot eat, right? You socialize, you go out for dinner, you have a drink, right? Like that's it. And then all the foods I loved so much, I cook. Gone, right? So significant loss. And what it brings up is denial and disbelief. I call those the trends, right? This can't be happening, right? Because they're holding the other parts back until all the system can accommodate to fuck. I can't eat anymore. And parts that are sad about it and parts that are mad about it really important to attend to. Some people don't have access to the mad. It's really important part of grief. Often the angry parts have been exiled, particularly in women because nobody likes an angry girl. You're meant to be pretty, right? So that can be work to get to the protesting parts, right? I'm not okay with this. There's an accommodation. And so all right, I can't eat. Another huge loss was in December when the tumor hit the nerves which run to my tongue and I started talking like this, like I've had a stroke. I had to stop teaching my classes. Again, denial and disbelief. This can't be happening. I'm talking to the fucking doctors. Does it fix this? Yeah. So this isn't fixable. This is disease progression. Oh. And then terrible sadness. And then protest, I fucking hate this again. And then accommodation and then moving on. Okay. How can I teach? I write a book. And then the hardest. In my case, it's saying goodbye to my daughter. She's 20. And the protest says that it's not fair. And right behind it, the sadness wants to come. And I so appreciate those parts. I'm just loving them right now. Because they do all this work. Now, if people don't know how to work with their parts, they get stuck in them as you know. They stay blended. Denial. It's not happening. Um, disbelief can't be happening. A protest. I fucking hate this. I fucking hate everybody. I fucking hate the world. I fucking hate you. Sadness. But they get stuck in them because they don't know they're in a blended part. So what I've been able to do is dance with those parts. And then also, once I've attended to come to the gratitude, I'm so grateful for my life. I'm so grateful for my life. I'm so grateful for you and all my hard connections. I'm so grateful for my dogs. I'm so grateful I've been able to teach. I did good. I did good. So questions come up around purpose and meaning. I did good this time around. But that dance, if you don't know, I had to attend to the parts. They're going to stay blended. Right. So that's some of the teaching and the other piece of the teaching in the book. And the first part is I work with medicines. So I've been working with part opening medicines. Even in the midst of radiation and chemo, which was hell. I was able to sit on the hilltop where I live and have a fire and look at the trees and the mountains and be suffused with gratitude, which was like a reset. Because every day was very important to me that I could take the treatment as an outpatient. I want to wake up in my own bed and have my own dog. I didn't want to be an award full of straight people. No offense. Yeah. I mean, you guys are great. But the whole ward full of old straight people like whining about their cancer. No. So my manager took over and it's another piece. When we're going through a significant life transition. Like loss. Our managers to take over. Because I basically wasn't around for a lot of it. Right. So my manager's blessed the fucking house. And I was a day for seven weeks to be irradiated and to sit with chemo and drove home. And I was part of my treatment. I had to take opioids for the pain as well as I did your medication to my whole. For seven weeks, this was my life and throat numbing drinks for the last 15 minutes because swallowing was like struck throat, like broken glass, then trying to get the food as quickly as possible. My manager did all that balancing the opioids, which make me sleepy with the need to try four hours so I could come home and be with my dogs. And after that process, I was able to come to them and bow. And they basically said, okay, you're back. Now we can sort them back. Then I could come to the parts that found that so incredibly hard and frightening. And so it's another teaching piece for me around. When the manager said, Kobe, no, a lot of IFS there. I was like, oh, you need to get that manager. I'm done. Not always. Not always. Like they took over because I was not able for it was at some points, but a lot of the time I wasn't able to access myself energy and then you know, okay, they're showing me they're like, well, this will do this. We'll drive and we'll drive for four hours. You don't have to worry about it. So all of those processes and more. I've articulated in the book because the intent is that it's going to be helpful. Now, not everyone's going to like it. Some people think medicines are just drugs and you're getting by. That's what they can have those parts. That's fine. Right. Not everybody's going to like it because it's written by a fag. I don't care. The people it speaks to. It will speak to. And I believe it will continue to speak to as the years go by as IFS. As IFS, I medicine work becomes the dominant paradigm and how we can help and how we can heal with our I had to deal with the medical paradigm that told me it was a battle that told me what did they say? Just think positive. Hmm. Fuck off. Right. How they would validate my parts that I'm thinking positive. They fully need my attention. The ones that are frightened. The ones that. Um, well, what are these? I'm not worried. This would happen. Because the cancer is metastasized about men five months ago. So I also have lung cancer. So, um, the throat cancer is what's going to get me, but it's not because I'm going to have the, the maid beforehand. So, so that's a very long answer to your question. You know, I rattle. But it's exactly what I wanted to,
Speaker 2
if I wanted you to say, and I wanted to hear from you. Um, and you know, Derek. I just really appreciate what you're saying about noticing the dance of parts and the idea that we, you know, I know we, we know this, but. You know, when we're in the middle of something, you know, when you told me this and I've been blended with all these parts. You know, we know it intellectually, right? I know IFS really well. You know, IFS really well, but when we're in the middle of something when I get this devastating news and when you get this devastating news. Our parts just do what they need to do. And so this idea that I can have this dance with these parts and I've been watching them and I've been noticing them and sort of this these different thoughts that I've had and feelings that I've had. And I'm like, okay, I can, I can still be here. And, and then sort of earlier today I was noticing I was with a client and I thought, I sound like a reporter right now and I thought, Oh, that's my parts getting ready to be Derek. And then I'm in a reporter mode. Like, here's, here's the devastation behind me, everyone. See all the houses that burned there. Back to you, Jay, like. Oh, that's what's happening. I've got a report of this reporter part. Yeah, it's got
Speaker 1
important jobs do and it can afford for you to be flooded by the other parts. So let's get on with it. And that's that part of you. What a great part to have. Yeah. And your capacity to recognize it and not. And by the way, anything else other than, okay, like, I have a planning part. It's my, it's my dominant part. It's amazing. It's amazing. Right. And it's often like blended with me up. One time I was walking the dog and it was like, well, when we get back, we can do this. We're going to meet the Tammy. And then I could you pull back so we could be in the moment. Right. It sounded like it was self-ledibles and this person said, I am in the moment. This is what I do in the moment. I plan about you. Fuck. So yeah, your reporter, my planner. They're amazing. Yeah.
Speaker 2
What about IFS CA trainings? And I know you have so many leaders and so many teachers. What's going to happen with that amazing organization?
Speaker 1
So I don't call them trainings. Okay. Of courses. So the IFS and those trainings. I have courses.
Speaker 2
Again, there's that respect. There's that respect, which I think is just so beautiful. But I
Speaker 1
have seen your staff that have worked now for years and. This last year they've been astonishing. So I got to name them Gustavo and Melissa and Robin. So over the past year, there have been times when I suddenly couldn't teach. I'm frantic. They email them. They always stepped in. They would rearrange their schedules. They would rearrange their clients. And they would hold the information because I'm actually very private. I didn't want. You know, dozens of people saying, I'm so sorry to hear it. It's like, no, I don't know. So
Speaker 2
you haven't told many people at all about
Speaker 1
this. I was very tight. I probably very tight. Yeah. And they have taken on the teaching. Right. So they're teaching the stepping stone course. They've developed a fabulous course called Stepping Deeper, which is also a four month course, but there's so much. So I have this stepping stone folks are like, well, where do we go now? Right. So I have an advanced weekend. And so it's response to that. Right. So the, I have a stable continue. And Melissa Galbraith is now the chief operating officer. So I keep calling her coup. So she'll be taking points. She'll be the lead. But I have to tell you, my admin staff are amazing. One of them is in Brazil. And she said, she sent me an email. She said, if Melissa's a new you. She needs to write the word fuck at least three times in every email. Otherwise it won't feel like you. So. But they've been, they've been in the remarkable. You know, when I was teaching the courses, you know, sometimes people just stand out. Right. And so I don't want people teaching them a good. I want people to know. So I would notice these exceptional students. It's like, I'm going to do some more. So that's how I found them. Also, I'm. So Romano is stepping into that position and Kelsey fine science. So I've got some really good, really good folks that are going to keep the word going. And that's part of my legacy. Yeah.
Speaker 2
Yeah. What was happening for you, Derek is I was saying, you know, kind of where I met you and just the idea of. And I only know your IFS story, you know, sort of the, from the YouTube on. I mean, I know you had a whole other life happening outside of that. And, and I was also remembering. So my question is going to be when I get to it, it's going to be sort of what is it like for you to think about just this progression of what's happened in your life and kind of where you are and, and how that. Yeah, I'm just, I'm curious about that. And, and I was going to say, I also remember you. I was wondering in Texas. Do you remember this? I mean, obviously you remember this, but yeah, you were like, I'm in this. Drive way so people, I think don't know this about you is that you are very private. And so you would winter in Texas down some long driveway in the middle of nowhere. And I was like, well, do you go to town and eat some barbecue. And you went to a COVID.
Speaker 1
If I drive a half an hour, yes, but otherwise I stock up. And now I've moved to. I live on top of a hill at the base of a mountain and all I can see is trees and mountain and I want my dogs every day and that's how I prefer to be. I'm actually deeply introverted person and I've got these parts that can be very extroverted bless their hearts. Right. My internal world world is, is so, so rich. I can never along with your parts. What about
Speaker 2
this idea of how things happen? So when you think about that, when you think about while you started and you might, there's probably more to the story, but you started with these YouTube videos and just teaching and modeling IFS and now, like, how that's just evolved. Like, what comes up for you about that?
Speaker 1
It's funny because that's also in the book. It starts the book really starts with my first encounter with Dick. But I have to come back from my to do and I was sold and say, wow, what so where did
Speaker 2
you meet deck in
Speaker 1
the retreats in my to do me to do retreats down in Mexico. Okay. Okay. 20 years ago or so. Okay. But I have to those that came back and I'm like, this is the thing. Right. This is the thing. So I went on YouTube to get more information and there was nothing there. Yeah. Like what century do people live in? Right. So went off the Best Buy, got a video camera, came home, made those first videos with a video camera on a step ladder with green tape and a little script underneath because it was important. It's important. And people that don't have access to therapists, the therapy, which is frankly elitist, right, in our capitalist culture. I wonder people have access to this understanding because it's so transformational and it's so true. And that has maintained. It's still important. And it's important for end of life and it's important for terminal diagnosis. It's just important. So that was what motivated me to make these videos and then take the camera back because you could have it for two weeks. But yeah, yeah, pretty cool. It was like alone. Did not take the camera back. Well, I've just been to Mexico. It was really expensive to go to Mexico. I didn't need a video camera. I made my videos.
Speaker 2
You didn't make them all in that two weeks, did you? No, I ended up buying a video camera. Okay, eventually. Okay, I get those parts. I get those parts. I love that. It's so funny. You said that because I was thinking how I almost wonder if that's how your managers were like, we're going to do this for two weeks. That's sort of the agreement and then and just sort of see what happens.
Speaker 1
No, it was more like I'm cheap. I have a cheap part. But eventually broke down about the video camera because I have a path to discover. I like making videos. And I went to a retreat in England last year. So after the whole. Radiation and shit. I booked a retreat at Shane camp. You probably heard of with Martha and. Tony. Sorry, Johnny. So my parts were holding until I could get there. And then I was able to spend some time with the house that had not been attended to while I was busy driving up and down the island.
Speaker 2
The cheapness, the video camera, our parts.
Speaker 1
There was people from all over the world there. I feel from Poland and Denmark and you know, places I don't normally go. But I was kind of like this little minor so that because most of them have seen my videos, it was really odd. It's like, Oh, I'm meeting you in person. And then like, yeah. So they've had a far reaching impact, which I'm really pleased about, especially with folks that don't have access. Right. So the one I'm going to make for therapists on working with cancer. I also hope it's going to be so helpful. And my hope is that at some point that the hospice world will take on how to help people towards the end. Is there a frightened part? Can you be with it? That kind of thing, you know, because I volunteered in hospice in the 80s. I was an AIDS counselor and living in community. A quarter of us were infected, which meant death at the time. I volunteered in an AIDS hospice and I know a bit about hospice work, you know, and if. In any way, I just sort of spritos are IFS to get into the hospice community would be so good. Yeah.
Speaker 2
Yeah, I'm so I'm sure someone's doing that work. Right. Someone's got to be doing IFS and hospice work, but that makes so much sense that we would. Why wouldn't I mean there's there's we all know that if we have so many parts up around dying, either our dying or our friends or our partners are just death in general. And
Speaker 1
yet, you know, really. Right. Yeah, really. Right. I mean, we will say I could be hit by a bus tomorrow, but you don't really believe that. Right. I will pass in. Five weeks.
Speaker 2
So we're recording this. It is January 16, but
Speaker 1
you've asked that does not be released until after you pass. That's right. So my transition day is February the 18th, 2020. And I'm calling my transition day because this is another aspect of the book. I know. Where I'm going. And I know. Without certainty that I'm becoming an ancestor. Because when we call on the ancestors, think about it for a minute. They were alive at some point. And then they became ancestors. So my soul is journeying through this lifetime. Being called home. And that's the mystery. Why am I being called home at 61? I don't know. The only way my body can respond to being called home because I'm healthy is to generate
Speaker 2
cancer. Wow. Okay.
Speaker 1
So that's the vehicle whereby my soul will go home. And then when I go home, I'm available as an ancestor. And you just have to call on me. You don't even have to believe it. So Tammy, if you're missing me. And you hear someone say, tell me what the fuck are you doing now? It's me. I love you my calling card for you.
Speaker 2
I love that so much.
Speaker 1
Yeah. So that's where I'm going. And it's beautiful. I'm so blessed, I mean, because I've had experiences which give me that certainty. And if I hadn't, if I was hoping that's where I go, if there was a part believing it, right, was trying to override all the other parts that were terrified that would be awful. But I'm so blessed to know that's where I'm going to come. And the why of this particular point in my life. Sometimes you just have to have to accept the mystery. And my parts are comfortable with that. There are mysteries in the world. If I ask you about experiences where, which might come under the title of like psychic or weird or digital view, you would have parts that would want to tell me because we will all have those experiences and they connected. For me to the mystery, the mystery of doing when you're having a fabulous RFS session and you asked just the right question. Or you get an image and you share it with the client and they say, Oh my God, this exactly what happened. You know, like those, that's the mystery. That's the magic of my house.
Speaker 2
Sometimes Derek. I'm going so fast that I'll notice mystery, but
Speaker 2
going. And I, and I will later think, Oh, I just missed something and sometimes I can't remember it.
Speaker 2
How has it been for you to have a huge lifestyle change. 13 months ago, when you were, you are a producer, you are a doer. I'm curious what that process has been like for you.
Speaker 1
I think beyond what I've shared already, I think that encapsulates it. And I'll say, Tammy, you know, this is, I also like you. I operate really rapidly in the world. It's like, bump it up on my bum. Right. So, you know, I thought I write a book. Sorry about 40,000 words in two weeks. Okay. And I don't type a type with one hand because when I wrote the type, I was
Speaker 2
smoked. So what's the other hand do while you're typing.
Speaker 1
Oh, now, yeah. Okay. I put a bump, bump, bump. So, when I can get out of the. That's where the medicines have been really helped. Yeah. When I can sit on my hilltop with a fire and my dog and open into a heart space. It settles me. And I receive information sometimes in that space, like I'm being called home. And cancer was the vehicle. Oh, I see. I see.
Speaker 2
There's something very comforting,
Speaker 1
comforting and in a sure assurance. There's some assurance there. Absolutely. Absolutely. And that's what I would wish for anybody in this position. And of course, people might be hearing this and saying, I always got delusional parts. I mean, however, people make meaning is how they make meaning. And some people will hear this and go, Oh, maybe this is possible. Maybe it's possible to approach the transition with this kind of equanimity. And that would be my