Fostering Authentic Connection Over Praise

  Most parents believe praise is an essential tool for raising confident, well-behaved children. We've been told to "catch them being good" and "focus on the positive." But what if our well-intentioned praise is actually functioning as a subtle form of control? What if praise isn't just celebrating who our children are, but secretly shaping them into who we—or society—want them to become?   In this episode, we'll examine how praise affects children's self-concept, motivation, and behavior. We'll explore research on praise's effects, reflect on our own experiences with praise growing up, and draw on philosophical ideas to understand praise as a tool of power that teaches children to internalize social norms and regulate their own behavior. We'll also learn new tools to create more authentic relationships with our children and helping them develop true autonomy.   Click here to download the list of 55 Ways to Support, Encourage, and Celebrate Your Child Without Praise   Is praise harmful to children? Praise can function as a form of control, establishing a conditional relationship where your approval depends on your child's actions. The underlying message becomes: "I'm excited about you when you do what I want." This contradicts what children need to flourish: unconditional love and acceptance for who they are, not what they do.   What's the difference between praise and appreciation? Praise is evaluative language that judges a person's actions or character as "good" or "bad." Appreciation focuses on the impact someone's actions had on you personally. For example, instead of "good job setting the table," try "Thank you for setting the table—I really appreciate not having to do it myself."   Does praise help motivate children? Research on praise's effects is mixed. Some studies suggest rewards undermine intrinsic motivation, while others indicate they can help establish habits. The more important question isn't whether praise works to change behavior in the short term, but what it teaches children about themselves and their worth in the long term.   How does praise affect a child's development? Praise can create dependency on external validation. Many adults who received substantial praise as children become reluctant to attempt things they aren't already good at for fear of not receiving praise or worse, receiving criticism. This is often where perfectionism emerges—not from high standards but from fear that without perfection, they won't be valued or loved.  

What You'll Learn in This Episode

You'll discover what praise actually is and recognize when you might be praising your child without realizing it. Praise includes evaluative language like "good job," "you're so smart," or "I'm proud of you," and is typically given with the intention of encouraging children to repeat behaviors.   You'll explore how praise functions as more than just emotional encouragement—it operates as a form of social control. When we praise children for certain behaviors, we're teaching them what society values and expects, defining what's "normal" and desirable.   You'll understand how children internalize our surveillance through praise. They begin monitoring themselves according to external standards rather than developing their own internal value system.   You'll learn practical alternatives to praise, including genuine appreciation that acknowledges specific actions and their impact, curiosity about your child's experiences and perspectives, and connection based on truly seeing your child rather than evaluating their behavior or person.  

Frequently Asked Questions

Will my child still behave well if I stop praising them? When we relinquish our role as judges and evaluators of our children's worth, we free them to become their authentic selves. Moving beyond praise creates space for genuine connection based on understanding needs and discovering creative approaches to meeting both your needs and your child's needs.   What can I say instead of "good job"? Instead of evaluative praise, you can describe what you observe ("You gave Mario half the cookie, and now he's smiling!"), ask thoughtful questions about what aspects of their project they found most satisfying, or express genuine appreciation for how their actions affected you.   How do I know if I'm praising or appreciating my child? Appreciation focuses on the effect your child's action had on you rather than evaluating their character. Avoid labels like "You're so thoughtful" and instead express how their action made you feel or helped you.   Do children need praise to feel loved? Children need to experience unconditional love and acceptance for who they are, not what they do. They need to know you're excited about them regardless of their performance or behavior.   Other episodes mentioned:

• 042: How to Teach a Child to Use Manners
• 159: Supporting Girls’ Relationships with Dr. Marnina Gonick
• 050: How to Raise Emotionally Healthy Boys
• 161: New Masculinities for Older Boys with Dr. Michael Kehler & Caroline Brunet
• 075: Should we Go Ahead and Heap Rewards On Our Kid?
• 233: Time Outs: Helpful or harmful? Here’s what the research says

  Jump to highlights 00:46 Introduction of today’s episode 03:28 Definition of praise 05:47 When we use praise as a tool to make our children repeat behaviors we want, we're still trying to control them, just with a nicer voice and smile. We've changed our approach but not our fundamental goal of managing their actions 11:58 Just because you get what you need from an interaction doesn't mean the other person feels equally satisfied 15:12 Our dependency on external validation affects our parenting and risks creating the same dependency in our children through praise 24:48 When we look beyond whether praise gets children to complete chores or affects their motivation, we discover how it fundamentally shapes their relationship with authority and their sense of autonomy. Philosopher Michel Foucault's concept of "normalizing judgment" shows that praise functions as more than just encouragement. It establishes power dynamics between parents and children 27:58 Self-determination theory, which helps us to see on a step-by-step basis, how we develop motivation to do specific tasks 32:00 Current parenting advice favors specific over generic praise. This approach is used as positive reinforcement to encourage children to repeat the praised behavior 34:50 Belgian researchers Bart Soenens and Maarten Vansteenkiste identified four adolescent response patterns to perceived parental control, including rule enforcement, punishments, and conditional rewards or praise 43:45 Researchers concluded that toddler defiance often reflects healthy autonomy and independence, not poor parenting, while ignoring parents is linked more to children of depressed, less responsive mothers 49:09 Behaviorists view praise as reinforcement encouraging repeated behavior, but McHugh argues it’s more; it reflects authority, shaping which behaviors and qualities are deemed worthy of recognition in children 01:00:27 Wrapping up the discussion   References McHugh, H. (2025). From oppressive to progressive praise: How, why, and when to praise in conditions of oppression. Journal of Progressive Education, 12(3), 145-162.

---

Corpus, J. H., Ogle, C. M., & Love-Geiger, K. E. (2006). The effects of social-comparison versus mastery praise on children's intrinsic motivation. Motivation and Emotion, 30(4), 333-343. https://doi.org/10.1007/s11031-006-9039-4

---

Soenens, B., & Vansteenkiste, M. (2020). Taking adolescents' agency in socialization seriously: The role of appraisals and cognitive-behavioral responses in autonomy-relevant parenting. New Directions for Child and Adolescent Development, 2020(173), 7-26. https://doi.org/10.1002/cad.20370

---

Lepper, M. R., Greene, D., & Nisbett, R. E. (1973). Undermining children's intrinsic interest with extrinsic reward: A test of the "overjustification" hypothesis. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 28(1), 129–137. https://doi.org/10.1037/h0035519

---

Kohn, A. (2018). Punished by rewards: The trouble with gold stars, incentive plans, A's, praise, and other bribes (25th ed.). Houghton Mifflin Harcourt.

---

Lumanlan, J. (July 2, 2017). Episode 042: How to teach a child to use mannershttp://yourparentingmojo.com/captivate-podcast/manners/