Parenting in the Digital Age: Finding Balance

In Part 1, we looked at the evidence for the teen 'mental health crisis.'   In Part 2, we reviewed the evidence for whether social media is causing the so-called 'teen mental health crisis.   In Part 3, we began looking at what to do about the effects of phones on kids - starting with school cell phone bans.   If you've read The Anxious Generation or heard about Dr. Jean Twenge's forthcoming book 10 Rules for Raising Kids in a High-Tech World, you might be wondering whether it's time to implement strict family phone rules and teenage social media limits in your home. These digital parenting experts promise clear solutions: you're in charge, no phones in bedrooms, no social media until 16. But what happens when these teenage phone rules meet the reality of family life?   In this final episode of our Anxious Generation series, we explore why traditional approaches to limit social media time often backfire spectacularly - and what effective digital parenting looks like instead. You'll discover why rigid teenage mobile phone rules can actually push kids further away from you, how punishment-based approaches to social media teens mirror the failed DARE program, and why the child who follows rules perfectly at home might be the one taking bigger risks when they're finally on their own. We'll also share practical, relationship-based alternatives that help you address real concerns about teenage social media use while building trust and connection with your child.  

Questions this episode will answer

How do you set social media limits with your teen? Focus on collaborative conversations about how technology affects them, rather than imposing rigid teenage social media limits without their input.   Should social media be limited for teens? Blanket restrictions often backfire; effective digital parenting involves understanding individual needs and working together on healthy boundaries.   How to limit cellphone use for teenager without damaging trust? Use connection-first approaches that explore their experiences rather than immediately jumping to restrictive family phone rules.   How much time should a teenager spend on their phone? The answer varies by individual; focus on how social media affects your teen rather than arbitrary time limits.   How to stop teenage phone addiction using collaborative methods? Address underlying needs that drive excessive use while maintaining open dialogue about concerning content and working together on solutions.   Why is it important for parents to guide children on the internet? Teens internet safety requires ongoing conversation and support, not just restrictions, to help them navigate digital challenges independently.   Should parents have control over their child's social media? Effective parenting social media approaches balance safety concerns with respecting teens' growing autonomy and need for peer connection.  

What you'll learn in this episode

• Why traditional family phone rules and "you're in charge" digital parenting approaches often strengthen the very behaviors you're trying to eliminate
• The hidden parallels between attempts to limit social media usage and failed drug prevention programs like DARE - and what this means for your family
• How to recognize when your teen's social media use is a coping mechanism for other struggles, and what to address instead of just restricting time
• Practical strategies for creating meaningful offline experiences that genuinely compete with digital entertainment, addressing core questions about how much time should a teenager spend on their phone
• Real conversation scripts for discussing teenage social media use with tweens, teens, neurodivergent children, and kids who may be experiencing social media-related harm
• Why some children need social media access for mental health support, and how to balance teens internet safety with connection to vital communities
• Evidence-based approaches to parenting social media that build trust while addressing legitimate safety concerns about teenage social media use

  Here are the scripts for discussing screen use with teens: Script for Neurotypical Teen Not at Risk Script for Neurotypical TWEEN Not at Risk Script for Neurodivergent Teen Script for Teen at Risk  

Dr. Jonathan Haidt’s Book

The Anxious Generation: How the Great Rewiring of Childhood Is Causing an Epidemic of Mental Illness (Affiliate link)   Jump to highlights  00:00 Teaser on what today’s episode is all about 03:21 10 Concrete rules on how to manage kids and the technology that surrounds them, according to Dr. Jean Twenge upcoming book on September 2nd 10:10 Our kids learn to hide their mistakes and struggles rather than coming to us for help when they need it most because they are afraid that what they are doing is wrong, and as parents, we may punish them 13:07 When kids spend time on screens, they aren’t just moving towards screens, they are also moving away from something, which is us, the parents 22:30 An open invitation for the scripts that are included in The Anxious Generation review (part 4) 28:21 Wrapping up the discussion 31:37 Key ideas from this set of  episodes   References College Drinking Prevention. (n.d.). Prevalence. National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism. https://www.collegedrinkingprevention.gov/statistics/prevalence

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Lilienfeld, S. O., & Arkowitz, H. (2014, January 1). Why "just say no" doesn't work. Scientific American. https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/why-just-say-no-doesnt-work/

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Community Epidemiology and Research Division. (n.d.). Just say no, DARE, and programs like it don't work—So why are they still around? https://www.cerd.org/just-say-no-dare-and-programs-like-it-dont-work-so-why-are-they-still-around/

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Durlak, J. A., & Wells, A. M. (1997). Primary prevention mental health programs for children and adolescents: A meta-analytic review [Archived document]. Indiana University. https://web.archive.org/web/20140824031650/http:/www.indiana.edu/~safeschl/ztze.pdf

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Mims, C. (2024, March 29). Jonathan Haidt thinks smartphones destroyed a generation. Is he right? The Wall Street Journal. https://www.wsj.com/tech/personal-tech/jonathan-haidt-anxious-generation-book-smartphones-676bcadb

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Girls Leadership. (2023). Make space for girls: Research draft. https://cdn.prod.website-files.com/6398afa2ae5518732f04f791/63f60a5a2a28c570b35ce1b5_Make%20Space%20for%20Girls%20-%20Research%20Draft.pdf

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Smithsonian Institution. (1988, December). Arts to zoos: Child labor. Smithsonian Education. https://www.smithsonianmag.com/science-nature/rise-modern-sportswoman-180960174/

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Eschner, K. (2017, August 26). The rise of the modern sportswoman. Smithsonian Magazine. https://www.smithsonianmag.com/science-nature/rise-modern-sportswoman-180960174/

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Concordia University. (n.d.). A brief history of women in sports. https://kinesiology.csp.edu/sports-coaches-and-trainers/a-brief-history-of-women-in-sports/

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Stevenson, B., & Wolfers, J. (2009). The paradox of declining female happiness [Working paper]. Social Science Research Network. https://papers.ssrn.com/sol3/papers.cfm?abstract_id=1408690

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Gray, P. (2024, May 20). #63. More on moral panics and thoughts about when to ban smartphones. Peter Gray's Play Makes Us Human. https://petergray.substack.com/p/63-more-on-moral-panics-and-thoughts?utm_source=publication-search

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Neufeld, G., & Maté, G. (2004). Hold on to your kids: Why parents need to matter more than peers. Knopf Canada.https://www.amazon.com/Hold-Your-Kids-Parents-Matter/dp/0375760288

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Van Ausdale, D., & Feagin, J. R. (2001). The first R: How children learn race and racism. Rowman & Littlefield.https://www.amazon.com/First-Children-Learn-Race-Racism/dp/0847688623