Was I Really in Love With Two People?

I always used to wish I was an avoidant because avoidants don't have that problem. Well I am now as an adult but I mean please 18, 19, 20, 21 oh my God please I was like such a mess. Yeah but you're still an avoidant. You still never wanted anyone to know that you cared or anything like that. No definitely not the same. I didn't it wasn't anxiety but oh honey nono no no no no. I'm not the core of it right. The ego is just it's so detrimental to any sort of happiness and for me looking back at what I thought was love  it took me something else.