Choosing a Life Partner Starts With Self-Work

James discusses marriage selection, advising developing a healthy relationship with oneself before choosing a partner.

Play episode from 44:24

chevron_right

Transcript

chevron_right

Transcript

Episode notes

Go to www.LearningLeader.com for full show notes

This is brought to you by Insight Global. If you need to hire one person, hire a team of people, or transform your business through Talent or Technical Services, Insight Global's team of 30,000 people around the world has the hustle and grit to deliver.

My guest: James Clear is the author of one of the most influential books of our generation, Atomic Habits. He's sold over 25 million copies worldwide and has helped millions of people transform their lives through the power of small changes. We brought the podcast to the campus of Ohio University, where we recorded live in front of 250 of the most impressive college students I've ever met.

Notes:

I loved the Morgan Housel moment - It was cool to see James' reaction to it (you can watch it on YouTube.com/RyanHawk). Morgan said, "I have absolutely not a single cell of envy for him. Because he is the nicest guy you will ever meet. You will not meet a nicer human than James Clear. You will not meet someone as successful as he is and as humble as he is. He is a saint in my life. And because of that, I adore every bit of this guy, so I cannot envy him. I am just inspired by his success, full stop." We should all strive to be that for the people in our lives.

Your WHO - "Every opportunity in life comes through a person. Relationships are usually the most important thing. If you want to achieve more, there is a relationship that can unlock better results. If you want to make a meaningful contribution, helping others is a great way to do it. If you sim

Willpower – 'People with tremendous self-control aren't that different from those who struggle. They're simply better at structuring their lives in a way that doesn't require heroic willpower.' It's not about determination, it's about design. That's liberating.

Fall in Love with the Process - "When you fall in love with the process rather than the product, you don't have to wait to give yourself permission to be happy. You can be satisfied anytime your system is running. And a system can be successful in many different forms, not just the one you first envision."

Make It Obvious, Easy, Attractive, Satisfying - The four laws of behavior change: make good habits obvious and bad habits invisible, make good habits easy and bad habits difficult, make good habits attractive and bad habits unattractive, make good habits satisfying and bad habits unsatisfying.

Use the Two-Minute Rule - Scale any habit down to something that takes two minutes or less. Want to read more? Read one page. Want to run a marathon? Put on your running shoes. The goal is to master showing up and make the entry point as easy as possible.

Standardize Before You Optimize - You can't improve a habit that doesn't exist. Master the art of showing up before worrying about optimization. Build consistency first, then work on increasing the dose or improving performance.

Track Your Habits Visually - I use a paper clip strategy: start each day with 120 paper clips in one jar, move one to another jar each time I complete a writing session. Visual tracking provides clear evidence of progress and makes the habit satisfying.

Habits Need to Match Your Personality - There's no one-size-fits-all approach. Morning people and night owls need different strategies. Work with your natural tendencies, not against them. Choose habits and contexts that align with who you already are.

Create Commitment Devices - Make bad habits difficult through commitment devices. I had my assistant change my social media passwords every Monday and only give them back on Fridays. This eliminated mindless scrolling during my productive work hours.

Focus on Systems, Not Goals - Winners and losers have the same goals. The difference is their systems. Goals are about the results you want to achieve; systems are about the processes that lead to those results. Fall in love with the process, not the outcome.

Build Habits That Align With Your Desired Identity - I wanted to be a writer, so I wrote every Monday and Thursday for years. Eventually, I had proof. I couldn't deny I was a writer because of the body of work I'd created. Your habits are how you embody your identity.

The Plateau of Latent Potential - We expect progress to be linear, but it's not. Habits often appear to make no difference until you cross a critical threshold. You need to persist long enough to get through the plateau and break through to the other side.

Reduce Friction for Good Habits - I want to work out more, so I lay out my workout clothes the night before. When I wake up, they're the first thing I see. The easier you make the habit, the more likely you are to do it.

Increase Friction for Bad Habits - Want to watch less TV? Unplug it after each use and put the remote in another room. The added friction makes the bad habit less appealing and gives you a moment to make a better choice.

Automate Good Decisions - Technology can lock in good behavior. I set up automatic transfers to my investment account. Once the system is in place, the good behavior happens without requiring willpower or decision-making energy.

Student Questions

On Building Habits in College - The mess of college is actually useful because you're forced to figure out who you are. Use this time to experiment with different habits and see what sticks. You have more flexibility now than you will later in life.

On Breaking Bad Habits - Trying to eliminate a bad habit without replacing it with something else is really hard. The more sustainable approach is habit substitution. If you want to stop scrolling social media, replace it with reading for five minutes instead.

On Staying Consistent - Never miss twice. Missing once is an accident; missing twice is the start of a new habit. Elite performers aren't consistent because they're more disciplined—they have better strategies for getting back on track quickly when life happens.

On Finding Your Purpose - I think the idea of finding your purpose is misleading. You don't find your purpose; you build it through the habits you practice daily. Your life is essentially a collection of your habits, so if you want a different life, build different habits.

On Overcoming Setbacks - After my accident, I had to redefine what success looked like. Sometimes progress means recovering what you lost rather than reaching new heights. Focus on what you can control today rather than what you wish you could control.

On Reading and Learning - I read across many disciplines because insights often come from connecting ideas from different fields. Read widely, take notes, and revisit those notes regularly. The goal isn't to finish books—it's to find ideas that change how you think.

On Building a Writing Practice - I published twice per week for years before anything took off. Most people overestimate what they can accomplish in one year and underestimate what they can accomplish in ten years. Show up consistently and let time do the heavy lifting.

Reflection Questions

Are you focused on achieving goals or building systems? What's one process you could improve this week that would make your desired outcomes more likely?
What's one habit you want to build? Can you make it so easy that you can't say no—something that takes two minutes or less? How can you design your environment to make this habit obvious and attractive?
Which of your current habits align with the identity you want to build? What small votes can you cast today through your actions to prove to yourself who you want to become?

Former Episodes Referenced

#529 - James Clear - Becoming an Optimist, Creating Your System, & Setting Up Your Future Self
#655 - Morgan Housel - The Simple Formula For Happiness, Betting on Others, & Gaining Independence & Purpose
#594 - Charles Duhigg - Becoming a Super Communicator
#470 - Daniel Coyle - Building Your Culture, Solving Hard Problems, & Winning The Learning Contest
#428 - James Clear - Asking Better Questions, Taking Action, & Doing A+ Work

Episode Timestamps:

02:20 High Praise from Morgan Housel

04:08 Winning the St. Gallen Symposium & James' College Experience

07:00 The Strategy Behind Writing Atomic Habits

13:58 Designing Your Environment for Success

31:05 The Art of Building Genuine Relationships

39:00 Clarifying Your Thoughts Through Writing

40:11 Applying Atomic Habits to Leadership

41:04 Mental Performance Techniques from a Navy SEAL

43:31 Balancing Success and Personal Life

47:56 The Importance of Reflection and Review

51:10 Adapting Habits in Different Environments