How to Deal With a Defensive Partner

"We are getting very good at noticing when the other person starts to devolve into their defensiveness," she says. "If I hear him getting louder or getting more defensive, I know what to say to calm him down." In rare instances where we can't calm each other down because the issue is too heated, they both usually agree: This one's too intense right now and we're going to do something relaxing either together or separately.