Safety vs. security in desire

This week, I sat down with the radiant Whitni Miller, also known as BDEmoves on Instagram, a queer sex educator and pleasure coach who’s changing the game when it comes to how we talk about sex, desire, and embodiment, especially in the queer community.

Together, we explored what it really means to be embodied in midlife and why so many of us still struggle to feel sexually safe—not just physically, but emotionally and relationally. Whitni brings a trauma-informed lens to her work, helping people unpack shame, regulate their nervous systems, and come back home to themselves.

We talked about:

• Why safety (not spontaneity) is the foundation of good sex

• How queer and same-sex couples deal with libido differences

• What late bloomers can teach us about authenticity and desire

• The power of non-sexual touch in long-term relationships

• How responsive desire isn't broken—it’s just misunderstood

• The absolute joy of reclaiming play and pleasure at any age

Whitni also got real about what it takes to share accurate, pleasure-centered sex ed online in the face of constant censorship. Hint: It’s hard, it’s frustrating, and it’s absolutely necessary. She’s a fierce advocate for creating digital and real-life spaces where people—especially queer folks—can learn, explore, and thrive.

If you’ve ever wondered, What can we learn from the queer community about sex, intimacy, and communication?—this episode is for you.

Whitni’s work is bold, honest, and full of compassion. Follow her @bdemoves and check out her offerings for late bloomers, folks navigating WLW relationships, and anyone looking to deepen their connection with themselves and their partners.

Takeaways:
✨ Sexual safety is foundational to desire—not optional. ✨ Queer relationships offer a refreshing reframe of intimacy and play. ✨ Scheduling sex is not unsexy—it’s smart, respectful, and hot. ✨ Responsive desire is normal, especially in midlife and long-term partnerships. ✨ Pleasure-first education challenges societal norms that prioritize performance. ✨ We need more trauma-informed, inclusive sex ed—and we need it now.

https://www.instagram.com/bde.moves

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