consistency is huge and patience too because oftentimes like we want people to move at the level of our ability to tolerate what's going on for them. You're not hurting someone by trying to hold them in their own discomfort right so if somebody is uncomfortable but you're helping move them through something that's good for them you're not hurting them actually they're experiencing that discomfort  and it's a very loving thing to do. It's part of the stigma to move into kind of a shaming um why did you do that like that's that's ridiculous or you you know better than thatlike this kind of thing that they i mean people will sink right they kind of cower and sink into