Why Are We Apologizing?

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I think a lot of the time, like, fault is placed on women. We kind of expect women to take the fault for things or we penalize them way more harshly than men. I feel like it has become socialized to take more responsibility. Men and women apologize equally proportionally but women just think they need to apologize more than men. That should be corrected. You want to help people thrive in whatever situation you find yourself...you want people to feel great about getting it there. Why are we apologizing? Why is it so hard then?"

Lots of us have heard the advice that we should stop apologizing so much, especially at work. But do women really say “sorry” too often? And will it actually help our careers if we stop? We turn to two experts for insight.

Karina Schumann, an assistant professor of psychology at the University of Pittsburgh, summarizes the findings from her study “Why Women Apologize More Than Men.” Then we talk with Sally Helgesen, an executive coach and a coauthor of the book How Women Rise. She explains that saying “sorry” is only one form of the minimizing language women use at the office and shares advice on how to break the habit.

Our HBR reading list:

“Why Women Apologize More Than Men: Gender Differences in Thresholds for Perceiving Offensive Behavior,” by Karina Schumann and Michael Rosee

“The Power of Talk: Who Gets Heard and Why,” by Deborah Tannen

How Women Rise: Break the 12 Habits Holding You Back from Your Next Raise, Promotion, or Job, by Sally Helgesen and Marshall Goldsmith

Email us: womenatwork@hbr.org

Our theme music is Matt Hill’s “City In Motion,” provided by Audio Network.