Overcoming Self-Criticism and Regret

Ask David, Rhonda and Matt More on Insomnia; Porn Addiction Guilt; Rage Questions for today

1. James asks for help with insomnia.
2. Arjun Asks: How can I stop blaming myself for my porn addiction as a teen?
3. Stephan asks: How do you treat feelings of rage? And what if you are simply very angry, but you don’t have any thoughts?

 

1. James asks for help with insomnia,

Hi Dr. Burns,

I enjoy your newsletter and have experienced moments of clarity with your book. However, my current struggle is that I have developed terrible sleep anxiety. I feel nervous tension in my stomach and trembling limbs as nighttime approaches. Some nights I can put these feelings aside and dose off and others I just cannot stop dwelling on the negative body sensations and it does not allow me to sleep. I wonder if you can offer some advice on how to get over this fear and accompanying sensations.

Best,

James

David’s reply

Thanks, James. Sorry you’re struggling with trouble sleeping.

Yes, a Daily Mood Log can help, to find out what you are telling yourself that makes you so anxious about not sleeping.

Also, the Hidden Emotion Technique may be important to find out if there’s a problem in your life that’s bugging you.

There are also the typical sleep hygiene tips that can be useful for some folks, too! You can find these with an internet search.

Can I use this as an Ask David question for a podcast, with your first name or a fake name?

Best, david

 

2. Arjun Asks: How can I stop blaming myself for my porn addiction as a teen?

Hi Rhonda,

I Really appreciate the work that you guys do and I listen to most of the feeling good podcasts. I'm 27 and have struggled with depression and anxiety since my teens. I'm currently in therapy with a TEAM certified professional from India, but I'm still grappling with feelings of being stuck in my past.

During my pre-teen years, I battled a porn addiction for about a year, which has left me with ongoing feelings of anxiety, guilt, and depression. Despite trying various therapies, I haven't found relief.

I keep fixating on the thought: "I shouldn't have indulged in porn addiction in the past. It's led me to develop anxiety and depression."

How do I debunk this thought, reduce its hold on me, and cope with the regret it brings? It feels like I'm trapped in my past. and constantly blaming myself for that one mistake. because that indulgence in porn really did change my life. I wasn't the same as before. and never could go back to being who I was.

How do I put the lie to this thought? Any methods you'd recommend putting in the recovery circle?

Your insights would be invaluable in helping me move forward.

Thank you,

Arjun

David’s reply: The key concept is that the problem is perfectionism, plus the beating up on yourself in the here and now, and not the behavior or misbehavior in your past. In the live podcast, we can discuss the importance of T = Testing (with DML), E = Empathy and A = Assessment of Resistance, and M = Methods, like explain the distortions, Perfectionism / Self-Blame CBA, D. Standard, EOR, EOV, etc. etc.

The issue, as I see it, is that you are looking for a technique to help you accept yourself, but in reality, it is a decision for you to make. The choice is to accept yourself with compassion or continue to beat up on yourself.

There are many really GOOD reasons to beat up on yourself, and we can perhaps outline some on the podcast. You would then have to explain why you’d really want to accept yourself, given all the good reasons to keep beating up on yourself, and given all the positive things your self-criticisms show about you.

Also, I will try to remember to tell one of my favorite Buddhist stories that relates to this problem.

 

3. Stephan asks: How do treat feelings of rage? And what if you are simply very angry, but you don’t have any thoughts?

Hello Mr. Burns, I hope this email finds you in good spirits.

I’ve just begun your book “Feeling Good” and I have just reached the point where you begin to speak about cognitive distortions and how to get over your thinking. I’ve been doing your exercise on the days that my thoughts are heavily saturated in my mind and I’ve realized something within doing this exercise.

A lot of my thoughts do focus on the cognitive distortions that you’ve outlined in your book, but the other 75% of my thoughts focus on pure trauma of past situations and experiences that channels pure hate, anger and rage that pours out of my thoughts about the past situations. For example, one situation was someone purely scamming and taking advantage of me for years. And while doing your exercise, my hate and rage for that situation really comes out to where I wrote down “F*** that stupid a** b***** I hope she continues through her life being scammed as the fraud she is”.

A lot of my thoughts surround things like this with situation that I’ve been in. Or another example “This stupid a** girl gonna be married and divorced five times before I get married once And I went the wrong path. Ha.” Most of my thoughts are like this surrounded past relationships, friendships, and coworkers. And honestly, I don’t think it has anything to do with the list of cognitive distortions that you’ve provided. Not saying that I don’t have those thoughts, but the majority of my thoughts surround different topics.

I would love your input in your thoughts on what is going on in my head, and possibly even the name to the type of cognitive distortion, that these thoughts could fall under, if any. In the meantime, I will continue reading your book. Hopefully the answer is in there, but if not, I graciously await your response and I also thank you for your time.

Best regards, Stephan

 

David’s reply

Hi Stephan,

Anger always results from thoughts, and those thoughts are often extremely distorted. This thought, for example, contains Labeling, and many other distortions: “F*** that stupid a** b*****

Sorry you’ve been taken advantage of by someone acting fraudulently and scamming you, as I understand from your note. Anger is totally understandable. The first treatment tool would be a paradoxical Cost-Benefit Analysis, which we could illustrate on a podcast, if you are interested. Your questions touch on many important topics!

Best, david

Matt’s Reply

Thanks for the question, Stephan, like David is saying, getting out of rage and into peace and harmony, which is part of ‘enlightenment’, requires identifying the motivational elements that are pushing you away from, as well as pulling you into, that emotion.

For example, David has identified, over 30 Good Reasons to Blame Others and has a handout on this.

Here's an example of a reason to keep rage: You’ll be protected, from being taken advantage of, again, if that person is labeled as ‘bad’. This keeps them, and others like them, at a distance.

Another motivator for rage is that revenge fantasies can be pleasant, feel powerful, just, and gives us a sense of moral superiority.

Also, sometimes we’re not quite ready to just ‘let go’ and ‘move on.’ There might be things we really liked about the relationship that we don’t want to lose and we might not want to grieve the loss of that person, or the loss of our own time. We want our time back and for them to change!

Lots of other good reasons, again there’s a list of 30 Good Reasons to Blame, created by David.

Please bear in mind that rage can get you into lots of trouble, so if you’re at risk of acting out your anger, it’s a good idea to get professional help, not something we can provide, here.

Thanks for listening today!

Rhonda, Matt, and David