How to Get Rid of Stress When You Lose Someone

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Vagal tone reflects the degree to which there is tonic, ongoing vagal influence on the heart. Vegal withdrawal usually occurs with an increase in sympathetic activation of the heart. Some people just happen to do that more than others. Other people need to practise long exhale breathing in order to build up vagal tone - something it's very useful to do whether you're grieving or not.

This episode, I discuss grief and the challenges of processing losses of different kinds. I explain the biological mechanisms of grief, including how neural circuits for emotional and factual memory combine with those for love and attachment, to create feelings of absence and yearning. I discuss how grief is distinct from depression, yet why they can feel so similar. I also provide science-based tools to assist with the grieving process, including how to reframe and remap the relationship with those we have lost while still maintaining a strong emotional connection to them. I also explain the importance of having and building strong foundational psychological and biological states so that we can better cope with grief when it happens. Finally, I describe tools to adjust those states, including those for accessing sleep, managing stress and emotional swings. This episode is for those suffering from grief but also for everyone, given that we all experience grief at some point in our lives.

We recorded this episode before the recent mass shooting tragedies in the United States. While we hope the information in this episode will be of use to anyone suffering from grief of any kind and at any time, we are also careful to acknowledge that many people require additional support and resources. For that reason, we include mention of such resources and we generally hope people will access them if needed.

For the full show notes, visit hubermanlab.com.

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Timestamps

(00:00:00) Grief & Bereavement

(00:04:02) Sponsors: AG1, LMNT

(00:08:35) Grief vs. Depression, Complicated Grief

(00:12:20) Stages of Grief, Individual Variation for Grieving

(00:16:05) Grief: Lack & Motivation, Dopamine

(00:23:15) Three Dimensions of Relationships

(00:29:52) Tool: Remapping Relationships

(00:37:15) Grief, Maintaining Emotional Closeness & Remapping

(00:44:40) Memories of Loved Ones & Remapping Attachments

(00:48:04) Yearning for Loved Ones: Memories vs. Reality, Episodic Memory

(00:51:40) Tools: Adaptively Processing Grief, Counterfactual Thinking, Phantom Limbs

(01:00:32) Tool: Remembering Emotional Connection & Processing Grief

(01:04:03) Memories, Hippocampal Trace Cells & Feeling An Absence

(01:10:14) Yearning & Oxytocin, Individualized Grief Cycles

(01:18:24) Tool: Complicated Grief & Adrenaline (Epinephrine)

(01:24:37) Sentimental Attachment to Objects

(01:26:13) Why do Some People Grieve More Quickly? Individual Attachment Capacity

(01:29:42) “Vagal Tone,” Heart Rate, Breathwork & Grief Recovery

(01:42:32) Complicated Grief & Cortisol Patterns

(01:48:50) Tool: Improving Sleep & Grieving

(01:54:28) Tools: Grief Processing & Adaptive Recovery

(02:03:36) Zero-Cost Support, YouTube Feedback, Spotify & Apple Reviews, Sponsors, Momentous Supplements, Instagram, Twitter, Neural Network Newsletter

Title Card Photo Credit: Mike Blabac

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