You Know What I'm Thinking, Right?

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"We don't have to over engineer everything that we say, but words matter," she says. "It's a good thing to be careful or just to be thoughtful in the way that you approach people." If you've got a question for someone, just ask them her a favor, right? Yeah. Ask directly. I loved that part because so often I find myself doing this, right? Trying to beat around the bush. Well, you should know this, particularly this is the interesting thing. I think it happens more with people that are close to me,. You know, like my wife, my kids, you, right?

To be influential you do not require power, but wielding your influence is powerful. Vanessa Bohns, social psychologist and professor of organizational behavior at Cornell University, joins us to discuss her enticing new book “You Have More Influence Than You Think”. She draws from her research to illustrate why underestimating our influence can lead us to miss opportunities or worse yet, to misuse our power.

Vanessa challenges us to examine our powers of persuasion and to recognize that we have more influence than we even realize. We learn exactly why it’s so hard for us to say no, even when we’re uncomfortable with saying yes. And why we should focus on communicating more with people face-to-face.

As with all of our episodes, we leave you with a Grooving Session discussion focusing on how we can use Vanessa’s research to improve our lives, our relationships and our workplaces. Maybe this episode will influence you more than you realize? If it does, please support our ongoing work by contributing to our Patreon page at (just imagine, if we asked you in person, would you say yes?).

This is episode is republished from our discussion with Vanessa in 2021, but her research and insights have come up in our discussions time and time again.

Topics

(3:19) Welcome to Vanessa Bohns.

(5:46) How your enjoyment of chocolate is influenced by others.

(8:15) The spotlight effect; is everyone really looking at me?

(12:34) How can we influence people more than we think?

(17:20) How Vanessa discovered people are likely to help, if you ask.

(23:34) Why it’s so much harder to say no than we think.

(26:50) How power amplifies your influence.

(29:22) Why we need to recognize white privilege as a position of power.

(32:47) Communication: why our choice of words matter.

(34:13) Robert Cialdini’s Influence.

(36:30) What are the most common misconceptions about influence?

(41:07) What are the 2 biggest takeaways from the book?

(43:52) How music has influenced Vanessa.

(49:13) Grooving Session discussing how to apply Vanessa’s research.

Links

“You Have More Influence Than You Think: How We Underestimate Our Power of Persuasion, and Why It Matters” Book by Vanessa Bohns: https://amzn.to/39vCDIN

John Bargh, Episode 248: Do We Control Situations or Do Situations Control Us? With John Bargh: https://behavioralgrooves.com/episode/control-situations-with-john-bargh/

Shankar Vedantam, Episode 222: How Delusions Can Actually Be Useful: Shankar Vedantam Reveals How: https://behavioralgrooves.com/episode/shankar-vedantam-useful-delusions/

Cristina Bicchieri, Episode 102: Social Norms are Bundles of Expectations: https://behavioralgrooves.com/episode/cristina-bicchieri-social-norms-are-bundles-of-expectations/

“Shared Experiences Are Amplified” Erica J. Boothby, Margaret S. Clark, John A. Bargh (2014): https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1177/0956797614551162

“Good Lamps Are the Best Police: Darkness Increases Dishonesty and Self-Interested Behavior” Chen-Bo Zhong, Vanessa K. Bohns, Francesca Gino (2010): https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1177/0956797609360754

Robert Frank on the Power of Peer Pressure in Fighting Climate Change: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VmOUNgXKd0c&ab_channel=Rare

Robert Cialdini, Episode 226: The Power Of Unity: Robert Cialdini Expands His Best Selling Book Influence: https://behavioralgrooves.com/episode/cialdini-unity-in-influence/

How to Start a Movement | Dan Sivers: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V74AxCqOTvg

Musical Links

Bronksi Beats “Smalltown Boy”: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=88sARuFu-tc

Sleigh Bells “Locust Laced”: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wzLOcmRRUfg

The National “Light Years”: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5FQtSn_vak0

Vampire Weekend “This Life”: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FwkrrU2WYKg

David Bowie “Ashes to Ashes”: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HyMm4rJemtI

Harry Styles “Watermelon Sugar”: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fKlD97TnYwM

Billie Ellish “Everything I Wanted”: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EgBJmlPo8Xw

Taylor Swift “Willow”: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RsEZmictANA

Nirvana “Smells Like Teen Spirit”: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hTWKbfoikeg