Downsides of Upholders

Today, we’re thrilled to share a conversation with New York Times bestselling author and happiness expert Gretchen Rubin, where we explored one of her most practical and game-changing frameworks: the Four Tendencies.

Gretchen explains that we all face two types of expectations—outer expectations, like a church calling or a request from a boss or family member, and inner expectations, like a personal goal or habit. She observed that people tend to respond to these expectations in one of four consistent ways. She defines these responses as the Upholder, the Questioner, the Obliger, and the Rebel.

Gretchen believes that understanding this one aspect of your personality can bring surprising clarity to your habits, relationships, and responsibilities.

In faith communities, expectations often come from many directions—God, leaders, our ward family, and ourselves. This framework offers a gentle way to understand why some people feel energized, while others quietly burn out.

Gretchen shares clear, practical strategies for each tendency so you can work with your nature, not against it. Whether you’re navigating a calling, serving a mission, experiencing doubt, or trying to build a consistent scripture study habit, she shows how to avoid burnout and follow through.

We’ve been so excited to share this episode. Once you start seeing yourself and others through the lens of the Four Tendencies, things shift. You’ll begin to understand why your spouse loves checklists, why your teen needs to do things their own way, or why it can be so hard to say no. Gretchen explains that these patterns aren’t flaws—they’re clues, blueprints that can help us make better choices, lower stress, and show up more fully in our lives.

We hope it’s as eye-opening for you as it was for us.

If you want to go deeper into the Four Tendencies or explore more of Gretchen’s work, you can check out her book The Four Tendencies or her other bestsellers The Happiness Project and Better than Before. She also hosts an award-winning podcast called Happier with Gretchen Rubin where she and her sister dive into practical ways to build habits, boost happiness, and live with more intention. Thanks again for listening.