Understanding and Addressing Difficult Coaching Dynamics

Have you ever wondered why some clients are more difficult clients to coach? 

Maybe you have that one difficult client who is so resistant, and no matter what work you do with them, they just don't seem to "get it."  

You're not alone, and there are reasons for it! And within those reasons lie the answers. 

Traits of difficult clients: 

1. Resistant

2. Doesn't want to go deeper

3. Frustrated

4. Stuck in the same cycles

What makes a difficult client? 

Remember that many factors come into play when working with clients on behavior changes, mindset work, or transformations involving emotional components. Their current state is a reflection of conditioning, experiences, and behaviors that have been programmed into the nervous system to automate them. 

Changing behavior patterns, re-programming thought patterns, and processing emotions takes time. It also takes skill and nuance with those skills as a coach. The best way to help your clients, even those who seem "difficult," is to understand the full picture of why they are behaving/thinking/feeling the way they do with a "whole person" approach. 

Often, when you are working with "difficult" clients, what you're experiencing is the stress response in the nervous system. It's not that they are difficult at all, it's just that they have a body, brain, and nervous system that is working. As a coach, this is an opportunity for you to fill in the skill or knowledge gap for your client.

What makes this worse… is if you think of them as " difficult," which is most likely not helping the situation. Anticipating difficulty will put you in a tighter and closed emotional space, making it more likely that you will push them in ways that aren't helpful or be closed off from the wisdom of what they really need. 

Resistance

When it comes to "resistance" with clients, while this can be one of the most frustrating things for many of my coaches, it's also the most magical thing to work through! Anytime there is resistance, there is something really important underneath it. When we can be willing to lean into the resistance and learn (with the skills to do so safely with our client), that's when we can unlock some of the things that our client needs to pay the most attention to. 

Before I share a story, I'll preface this by saying that a client isn't always ready (or even emotionally equipped to) lean into it. This is why the skills to understand your client and all that's coming into play for them are vital as a coach.  

A Case Study: My Resistant client

I had one client years ago who was particularly resistant, that could have been percieved as a difficult client. Together, we could see this pattern over and over again in our sessions. Even worse than the resistance - she was criticizing herself for it. We decided to make space for the resistance. We decided to acknowledge it in the "room" with us, and we allowed it to be okay. This was just the starting point, but as we looked at what was underneath it, this client experienced a softening of her resistance. The topics in our sessions became more relevant to what was really going on for her. And the best part was that we started to release some of the shame that kept her shut down and feeling fearful far too often. 

This is just one example, but remember that resistance is real and has a reason. When resistance is present, we can be grateful that we know where to lean. There is fear associated with it, and as skilled coaches, we can treat that fear with care. 

Difficult clients often don't want to go deeper

Okay, all of you "let's take a deeper dive" coaches - I know how frustrating it can be when you're trying to help a client uncover what's underneath, and they just don't want to. Can you relate? I had one client who came to me through Katrina Ubell's podcast, where she does a dive deep into what's going on under the surface. I, of course, assumed she was craving that deep work. Yet, week after week, whenever I tried to go there, she would pull us right back to the surface.  

Here is my big message to you- let it go! While we can think we need to go deeper with our clients to support them, sometimes we DON'T. The only reason that sessions will feel difficult is that you believe that the session should be something different than it is. Each client will have a different "language" that they speak. This is why a comprehensive understanding of thought work, emotion work, the nervous system, and action strategies is so important! It means that as a skilled coach, you can use your client's language or "entry point" and incorporate the deeper work in ways that will impact them without requiring them to "speak that language" or emotions or thoughts, or whatever it is you're hoping they will speak to. 

Difficult clients are often stuck in cycles and frustrated.

Let's talk about the frustrated client who is stuck in the same cycle. Have you ever had a client who continues to do the same thing, week after week, and revisits the same stuck thought patterns? The "difficult" thing about these clients for you as a coach is often the worry that you're not doing a good enough job, or wondering if anything will ever change, and maybe even the blame they send your way as the coach. You may even tend to vacillate between washing your hands of it because you know they have to create their results and the opposite end of the spectrum where you're feeling responsible for being able to get them to move forward. 

It's true that a client is the only one who can actually take action, make shifts, and be open. And it is also very true that you, as the coach, have more influence than you may realize.  

There is no need to go to either extreme. Instead, fill the skill gaps, understand your client, and get curious. 

Strategies on how to work with difficult clients

If you've ever questioned how to work with difficult clients, let's talk about a few things to consider, starting with understanding that it is normal that we are stuck in cycles. The nervous system programs behaviors to be automated. Our emotion patterns repeat. And we have the same type of thought patterns in many situations. Stuck is normal. So what can you do? 

1. How are you engaging in the cycle? Change the way you engage

2. What language do they speak?

3. What need do they have? 

4. How can you begin and end with curiosity? 

Coaches, some clients will be more difficult for you to coach, but that doesn't mean it won't get better. Continue to understand your skill gaps and fill them. Practice different "points of entry" or "languages," and learn more if you need to. Rethink your approach, be willing to lean in and experiment, and pay attention to your thoughts about your clients that are getting in the way of you serving them to the best of your ability.