Finding Internal Happiness Beyond Work

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Some of my coaching friends and I call it “shoulding” all over yourself. Thinking that things “should” be a certain way.

In other words, we argue with reality – and you can never win that argument.

How does “shoulding” apply to your job? You might believe:

-My job SHOULD pay XXX.

-I SHOULD have more ___ in my job.

-I SHOULD have gotten a promotion and pay raise by now.

-I SHOULD have a better boss/coworkers.

-I SHOULD be more recognized for my contributions.

You get the idea.

Here’s the problem with “shoulding:” you are operating from a place that guarantees frustration, anger, helplessness…whatever the emotion, they are all negative.

Even “shoulds” that sound innocuous can bring about the wrong emotions:

-I SHOULD do a better job.

-I SHOULD like my job better.

-I SHOULD be more like ___(coworker).

-I SHOULD know how to do X.

Again – you get the idea.

How does “shoulding” play into this week’s topic of “It’s Not Your Job’s Job to Make You Happy?”

For one thing, the title indicates that you might think your job SHOULD provide you with happiness. Let’s talk about that.

Where is it written that your job should make you happy? Of course, we can talk about what we would prefer in a job or work environment, but really – what SHOULD our job do?

-Provide some form of compensation in return for some type and level of work.

-Provide you a safe work environment. (all that implies)

-For most full-time employees in the U.S., provide you with health insurance.

And that’s about it. And we all probably know of people that didn’t even receive those things.

So, really what I am saying here is to manage your expectations about what your job is supposed to do for you. For one thing, this puts you in a passive position with little to no control over your own happiness.

Here are seven specific suggestions for managing your expectations about your job, your employer, your boss, or your coworkers.

#1 – Manage your thoughts.

What are you thinking about your job? Your boss? That co-worker?

We know that our thoughts lead to how we feel. If we are thinking negative thoughts, we might feel sad, frustrated, hopeless…none of which serves us.

Start with awareness of the thoughts when they come up, then gently replace them with something less negative.

For example, “I hate this job!” can become “I like that I get to work from home.” Find something better to focus on.

#2 – Avoid comparisons.

If your friend or significant other loves, loves, loves their job…that has no bearing on your job and your experience. You may know of others at your company that love their jobs – no relevance to you. This kind of comparison does not serve you.

#3 – Stay proactive.

When you find yourself lamenting about a project you’ve been put on, a co-worker you have to partner with, or feedback you’ve gotten from your boss…what can you do to improve the situation? How can you contribute to the project in a way that feels good to you, how can you have a more positive experience with that co-worker, how can you make improvements based on the feedback from your boss?

Take positive action – you’ll feel better.

#4 – Deliver excellence regardless.

I encourage you to have this goal: That you can look yourself in the mirror at the end of each day and know you did your absolute best. Not to make your boss or someone else happy, but because of how it makes YOU feel.

Your absolute best isn’t a constant either – so give yourself some grace when your absolute best isn’t all that great.

#5 – Remain in your Sphere of Influence.

Stephen Covey talks about your Circle of Concern – those things over which you have no control – versus your Sphere of Influence – where you can affect change.

Living in your Circle of Concern produces helplessness, frustration, and negativity. Your Sphere of Influence allows you to get to work on the things that matter to you. That’s where you want to live.

#6 – Remember – it could ALWAYS be worse.

While I don’t want you to compare yourself to others who say they have the perfect job, I DO want you to realize that there are those who:

-Don’t have a job at all

-Have a job doing something you would hate to do

You get the idea. I used this strategy in my life at the worst time of my life. I won’t go into details, but at about the same time the crisis happened in my life, there was a much worse crisis that happened to a physician in Connecticut that wiped out his entire family.

He will never know what a touchstone he was for me – if he could handle his situation with the grace and positivity he did, then so could I.

#7 – Get your happiness elsewhere.

Ultimately, your happiness is an inside job, so look inward. Also – get clear on what happiness means to YOU – what will it take for you to be more happy, more often? Do you need time in nature on the weekends? Time with friends? Alone time? Do you need a run with your four-legged best friend?

When we release our jobs from being a source of happiness, we might actually find more happiness at work.

So here’s the bottom line: Quit “shoulding” all over yourself. Allow yourself not to expect things from your job, your boss, your coworkers — other than the basics of safely, compensation, and maybe some insurance — then be pleasantly surprised when something good happens.

Are you in the wrong job that chips away at you every day? The document and coaching programs offered by Exclusive Career Coaching will help you find a job that uses your zone of genius, recognizes your value, and pays you what you’re worth.

If you’re ready to take your job search to the next level by working with a highly experienced professional with a track record of client success, schedule a complimentary consult to learn more: 

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