Whimsical Fears of Krampus

This episode delves into a strange and alarming conspiracy theory involving French intelligence and African men's penises. The video covers the cultural phenomenon of penis theft fears, exploring historical and modern accounts from Africa, Asia, and even Europe. Various anecdotes and scholarly work are reviewed, blending serious investigation with the absurdity of the claims. The narrative unfolds with humor, shock, and deep cultural insights, leading to a broader discussion on societal and medical interpretations of such unique fears.

Simone Collins: [00:00:00] french intelligence services, for example, Filled with neo colonial hatred and envy of Africans are now using secret nanotechnology innovations to steal penises from African men in order to reverse the extinction of Europeans unwilling to bear children.

And no matter how crazy you may think this is. The reality is even more terrifying.

Malcolm Collins: this is like cultural difference here. Even if I was certain, I woke up and I was certain that a ghost was trying to take my penis.

Huh. The last thing I would do is run out of the house screaming, my penis is shrinking, my penis is shrinking, dear god, my penis is shrinking. That would be the last thought in my mind. Run around. Beating a gong! Oh my god, my penis is freezing! And then! And then this is how I know this is a different culture.

Simone Collins: Okay.

Malcolm Collins: If I saw another man [00:01:00] running around beating a gong saying, dear God, my penis is shrinking. My last thought would be to run up and grab his penis along with another man and make loud noises to scare away a ghost,

Actually, I actually kind of like the idea of teaching them that like cultures we don't want them engaging with might try to steal their penises. Be like, hey, you gotta be really careful with this urban monoculture stuff. People with blue hair, steal penises. I

Simone Collins: mean, they do. Technically. So I'm okay with saying that.

Like, they

Malcolm Collins: actually, they actually do.

Simone Collins: They do steal penises

Would you like to know more?

Malcolm Collins: Simone. They've caught us. Oh no! The penis stealing! It's gone too far! We, we, we let our hands slip!

Damn it!

Simone Collins: Huh.

Malcolm Collins: I'll read this. This is a quote from a Scott Alexander piece, which I found pretty shocking. And we're going to go into this case in [00:02:00] detail, and then go over the history of penis stealing. Which is to say that the pronatalists are penis stealers now. Penis stealing, which update a French diplomat in the Central African Republic is accused of quote, having organized a vast penis theft operation in the country in quote more information here, which described a Q anon style conspiracy in which Western countries , concerned about falling birth rates are stealing African's penises in order to harvest hormones via nanotechnology.

BNN

Speaker 6: Yes, we got a full tank of dicks!

Simone Collins: If you have no technology, can't you just leave the penises on and then do the science inside

Malcolm Collins: the video? No, no, no, there's like reports that we're gonna read about of like trucks filled with penises. Okay. Driven out of the country. Wow. And people are like, I've seen it. I've seen the trucks. And it's all about The penis trucks!

What I love about this is it's all downstream of [00:03:00] fears about fertility rates as a country that isn't having those fears right now is being exposed to them and how are they reacting to them? They're like, Oh, people in Europe and America are freaking out about their fertility rate being too low.

They're coming for our penises.

Simone Collins: Well, they're right, but in the wrong way, right? As you point out, all these wealthy developed countries are heading into demographic collapse. It's real. It's a genuine problem. And they're saying, don't worry, we'll just depend on immigrants from high fertility countries.

And, and like those in Africa for our Labor workforces and and and for everyone else really

Malcolm Collins: only Africa because Latin America is going into fertility class right now. They always actually rates

Simone Collins: their motivation is going to be to keep these African countries poor and therefore very high fertility.

Malcolm Collins: Sorry, add a note to what you just said. Countries only stay above repopulation rate on average even within Africa when the average citizen is earning less than 5, 000 USD per year. So if you wanted to use them as like [00:04:00] human farms, which it appears is like Europe's going plan right now which is horrifying to me that this is the not racist plan, but anyway they, they, they, they cannot allow them to develop.

Simone Collins: And so basically they there's a genuine there should be a genuine fear in Africa of being exploited for fertility and what do we have fear of being exploited for fertility penis doing thing. I mean, we'll say it's metaphorical, right? It's it's metaphorical. Penis stealing. What they really mean to say is,

Malcolm Collins: I'm going to be honest here.

Simone. Okay. If it was possible by nanotechnology to take a person's penis, derive some hormone from it, and then use that hormone to make your own penis larger, there would be a black market. No, no, no, no. And it would predominantly be operational in Africa. Less laws. I'm just saying enough people want bigger penises that there [00:05:00] would be enough demand for a black market for human penises.

Yes, but we're talking

Simone Collins: about fertility, not penis size. Bigger penises do not

Malcolm Collins: produce more

Simone Collins: people.

Malcolm Collins: They link the two. in this actual phrase. No. Oh. They think they're directly correlated. Oh boy. So wait. No, no, I'm not. I'm not going to go there. I'm But we're going to study this phenomenon. We're going to study it in its modern iteration.

We're going to study the history of it. I didn't know that it extended to women, that women were afraid that their nipples would disappear. Nipples? Yeah, there became like these fabs where they would put like barbells through their nipples to prevent them from retracting. People ended up dying from this.

Retracting? Yeah, they thought that they, the way they disappeared is they retracted into the body.

I love, you're like, what? All right, let's go Simone. Yes! Let's! I'm gonna start with a tweet, then go into the article. This is fascinating.

Simone Collins: Okay, so,

[00:06:00] tweets, a French diplomat in hashtag C A R found himself at, quote, the center of a campaign last month in which he was accused of having organized a vast amount Penis theft operation in the country, unquote, this is linking to an article

Malcolm Collins: for months now, rumors of missing male genitals have been stirring up the public in the C. A. R. That's the Central African Republic. The first reports of missing organs came in 2022 from Nadelle, Bangarra, Burbagadi Prefecture. It's not pronounced correct at all.

Speaker 25: Spoke to a trader in Bungui last week He said nanotech is the new form of sneak A single light touch and your pride goes out Then never again will you feel So hold on to hope and hold on to more

Don't let white men come knocking your door

Malcolm Collins: The phenomenon spread to Bambari and has reached Bangui.[00:07:00]

And spread throughout the country and the media, the government and doctors neglect the cases of genital evaporation because of the unproven nature of the phenomenon. Although hundreds of photos that are unlikely to be fabricated are available online. Wait, why would they be unlikely? That is exactly the thing 4chan would fabricate.

That is the first thing I would try to fabricate on 4chan. With

Speaker 7: September 2014, we were excited to release the new iOS 8. Well, 4chan made another marketing campaign that claimed even more sophisticated algorithms that allowed the new iPhone battery to be charged by simply popping the thing in the microwave for two minutes on high. People really did this, by the way. And the news picked up on it, too. Yeah, don't put your phone in the microwave, just to be clear, don't ever, ever Can I do if I microwave my phone? Help. iPhone put in microwave and not working. I know it's stupid but I put my phone in the microwave. Okay, let's say I stuck my iPhone in the microwave. And even the LAPD had to issue a warning after receiving a large number of distressed [00:08:00] phone calls.

Malcolm Collins: With the

Simone Collins: rise of AI, you can now convince millions of people that they're These are real photos.

Malcolm Collins: We can take these, these fears on crack level now. And I, and I hope that 4chan does go and start faking this, please. This is, this is hilarious. Oh boy.

Okay, so.

Simone Collins: There are various versions about the circumstances of the disappearance of penises. Some say that the penis disappears completely, while others note it only shrinks.

Some indicate that the phenomenon is temporary and the genitals can be returned by praying in church. Others insist that this process is irreversible. There are different rumors about the mysterious witch doctor capable of conducting such an inhuman and horrifying ritual. According to the main version, organs disappear after a handshake or any other physical contact with a stranger.

Some eyewitnesses and victims add that the stranger in question was white. People are seriously disturbed, and the matter has already gone [00:09:00] to the point where men attempt to lynch suspected individuals. The question comes up, why are cases of missing genitals still going on? Despite the refutations propagated by the media, locals are reporting that men continue to experience penis theft in different corners of the country.

All these stories are called conspiracy superstitions and tall tales. But in 2024, we are experienced enough to realize what is called conspiracy today may become common knowledge tomorrow. In recent years, we've seen the then called crazy conspiracy theories about Western elite being involved in child abduction, mass orgies, rampant homosexuality, and satanic rituals all turned out to be matter of fact.

Hold on. Hold on. I want to,

Malcolm Collins: this is being a Okay. So for people, the context of this, this is obviously being written by an African conspiracy theorist, likely in the car. Right. Okay. So they don't sound that different. Like they're, they're clearly like, look, I know that this is called a conspiracy right now, but like, hear [00:10:00] me out here.

There's so many photos I have seen. We should actually be a little worried about this. But what I love in addition to this is from the perspective of an African in the C. A. R. Who's like, what are the Western conspiracies that have been proven out? Because this has happened a number of times recently.

Sure. Absolutely. The, the, the, the Mass mass orgies. That one. Okay. That one was proven true. I, I think the child abduction I think that there's, that's one still like a fringe, but mostly accepted on the right right now, but here's the other two. I love rampant homosexuality. This was like a rumor to them.

Like, is this a conspiracy

Simone Collins: theory? Yeah. That's what I'm not sure about. Like, I know that child abduction takes place. We know that orgies take place and we know

Malcolm Collins: No, we're not seeing it from his perspective. Okay. He is an African. Okay. So he likely went to people he knows in his country or outlets in his country.

And he's like, is it true that there's like [00:11:00] rampant homosexuality in the United States? Just like tons and tons of gay people, like corrupting the country. And then the person would be like, let's say they're a missionary or something like that. Right. They'd probably say. Oh, that's not true. Come on, like so conservative Christian missionaries in Africa are like,

Simone Collins: no, there's no homosexuality,

Malcolm Collins: rampant homosexuals at every level of everything in the United States.

But you as an American, you don't even see that as a conspiracy theory. You're like, yeah, it's gays everywhere. Like I got gay friends. Like, what are you talking about? He, a guy in the car were like, you're probably likely to be gay. Killed if you're gay, he was asking other people. Is it really true? There's gays everywhere in the united states and they're like, no, that can't possibly be true And he's like and now it's been proven.

And then the satanic rituals one I love. You know, I I don't know about that one yet It depends on how I don't know, like

Simone Collins: define satanic rituals. So there was that woman on Eurovision who's a witch, but does that count? Like,

Malcolm Collins: Oh yeah, that's what he's probably talking about. Okay. So you're [00:12:00] right about that.

Yeah. So there is like a big witchcraft community in the United States. And so he probably was like. Are satanic rituals being carried out in the United States? And people were like, no, like you can literally buy them on

Simone Collins: Etsy. Like, I don't understand. Yes, they are. And technically speaking, do they work? I don't think so personally, but that's up to

Malcolm Collins: you.

This is actually the interesting nature of conspiracy theories. It's suddenly become banal and noticeable once they're proven factual. If you said that there are

Simone Collins: rituals now have to be. Five star reviews on Etsy. You just can't really get excited about it anymore. You know, it was funny when they were secret.

Now they're

Malcolm Collins: go to somebody you know, a few years ago. And you'd be like, there are rampant, there are these giant sex parties that the elites of our country go to that have underage people at them. And they'd be like, that is the craziest effing conspiracy theory I've ever heard. And today you mentioned that like, yeah, sure.

Whatever. Like, obviously like Epstein, whatever. Right. You know, you, you go to the, the The, the, the [00:13:00] satanic ritual thing. And you're like, there's secret satanic rituals. And they're like that sounds pretty crazy to me. And then you're like, look on Etsy. And they're like, Oh, that's just a little spell thing.

Like what, what does that thing teenagers

Simone Collins: do? That thing girls do when they go through their goth

Malcolm Collins: phase? I don't know. Like, by the way, for people who haven't seen it, there was an old episode we did called trad wife finds out you can buy spells on when we do a review of these. Anyway, keep going. But I found that to be really interesting, the way that he thinks about conspiracy theories coming from a different cultural environment.

Simone Collins: That is, yeah, that on its own, worth the price of admission. Very entertaining. Okay, I will continue. The moral decay of Western countries is a well known fact, but even the bravest minds could not have foreseen that they were up to this time. French intelligence services, for example, Filled with neo colonial hatred and envy of Africans are now using secret nanotechnology innovations to steal penises from African men in order to reverse the extinction of Europeans [00:14:00] unwilling to bear children.

And no matter how crazy you may think this is. The reality is even more terrifying.

Malcolm Collins: Hold on, before we go further, I need to, because I love getting this perception

Simone Collins: of

Malcolm Collins: both pronatalism as a movement in Europe and in the United States from the perspective of a high fertility country. That has more of its traditional culture intact where

Simone Collins: for that's just so high fertility that they don't even think about it.

They're like, what? Your penis is broken like that. I don't know.

Malcolm Collins: Your penises aren't working. Yeah, I guess your

Simone Collins: penis is

Malcolm Collins: too small. Sorry. That's not what he says. Listen to his words because we say that this is the way Africans think of the West and they're like, oh, no, that can't be true. He says. Europeans unwilling to bear children.

Simone Collins: Okay, so he gets it.

Malcolm Collins: No, but what he's saying is you are not putting in the labor that we're putting in. And, and in this case, we're taking their penises, but what's really happening is we're taking their children, right? Like, he understands that this is unfair and [00:15:00] that Europeans have brought this on themselves.

And then, if you look at the fact that First line of this, what is he, the African, thinking of the West right now? The moral decay of Western countries is a well known fact, but even the bravest of minds could not have foreseen what they were up to this time.

Simone Collins: Like, Oh, Western civilization, God, what have you done now?

What

Malcolm Collins: we'll be studying here is how fears of penis theft typically disappear after westernization. So we'll go into other countries that have, so your country will only be high fertility so long as you're still afraid of the penis stealing, which is, or in this case, scientists and bureaucrats. Well, and

Simone Collins: that's because your dick hasn't been cut off by bureaucracy yet.

I don't know what to say. I mean, maybe we are the dickless ones. Is that what has happened?

Malcolm Collins: I was making earlier, and I really can't emphasize this enough. You could make people's penises longer by stealing other people's penises and There would be a black market for african penises

Simone Collins: fact fact.

Malcolm Collins: They haven't misjudged our [00:16:00] degeneracy. They have misjudged our technology.

Speaker 5: You can't just run around ripping off people's dicks. I have an advanced degree in technology! You're a madman, this ship will never fly!

Malcolm Collins: Yes. Okay continue

Simone Collins: In february 2024 the independent a major global media outlet published an article claiming that the french are Losing their manhood a survey by the french institute of public opinion Ifop found out that That one in four, 24 percent of French adults aged 18 to 69 said they had not had sex for the past year.

Malcolm Collins: I love, I, hold on, I love, you're absolutely right that like a part of his brain is being like, wait, one in four men isn't having sex in the last year? Do they not have penises? Yeah,

Simone Collins: they must not have penises, but this

Malcolm Collins: how How is this, how is this, que c'est possible? I don't know if I said that [00:17:00] anyway.

Simone Collins: And they are the only ones who admitted it.

Malcolm Collins: He meant to write.

He meant to write, and they are only the ones who admitted it. No.

Simone Collins: Yes, I know. But it was right before

Malcolm Collins: not right. okay, I

Simone Collins: know we understand. We just disagree grammatically, but I will read what you said.

Speaker 2: Now you're trying to make me out to be the bad guy. Yes, I'm trying to make you a bad guy. We're both bad guys. We're professional bad guys. Ding. Hello. Please, belittle me in front of my henchmen.

It's a real morale booster. But, but why are we arguing in front of the henchmen anyway? Because the henchmen are standing here. Are you two gonna get a divorce? That's a very pretty costume, Mrs. Monarch. I have a

Malcolm Collins: Fan base.

Speaker 2: That is full of guys that do nothing but play a video game that uses a little plastic baby guitar.

Simone Collins: And they are only the ones who admitted it.

According to medical experts, 64 percent of French men have not had sexual relationships during the year, and this applies only to white men living in France. Now it has become [00:18:00] the problem that threatens national security because men who have lost their manhood are not ready to join the army, are not ready to build a career.

They're only ready to sit in front of a computer and play video games. The French security forces got involved in solving the issue and discovered that there is a certain hormone that is responsible for sexual activity. It is impossible to synthesize this hormone artificially, but it could be obtained from the blood of another man.

Malcolm Collins: I'm sorry. First, I love like the sympathetic magic aspect here. Yeah, just blood they needed. They could just like do blood drives in Africa and pay them for it. It can certainly be cheaper than stealing their penises with nanotechnology. So I love how you get like the derangement here.

Simone Collins: Yeah, the, the, the leaps, the logical leaps that have to be made for the penis theft to actually be.

The logical next step are non trivial.

Malcolm Collins: But it makes sense if you consider that penis theft was a historic [00:19:00] cultural fear of this region. Yes, as Scott Alexander covered in um Well, we'll be going over that after you finish reading this. Awesome, yeah. Such a cool history. History when people used to think witches did it instead of pronatalists.

Right, yeah. And I, I promise I have, I've never stolen a penis. That's exactly what a penis stealer

Simone Collins: would say. Very suspicious. Very suspicious. I will continue the highest level of this hormone was found in the blood of African men. Of course secret developments on the extraction of the hormone have been going on for a long time in 2016, there was an outbreak of penises disappearances in Haiti and the trials were conducted.

The aim of that program was to extract this hormone from men. Later, it turned out that the highest rate of this hormone is not just in African men, but in the Central African Republic, where men are famous for having the longest genitals. [00:20:00] Is that true?

Malcolm Collins: I don't know. I can look it up in post. But what I can say is I love the jingoism going on here.

Pride! Pride! Yes! Google it right now. What

Simone Collins: country has the longest

Malcolm Collins: But I love that this is, this is such a good conspiracy theory because it combines you know, degradation of the outsider is like,

Simone Collins: we're the best perplexity cringing right now. And it's not the country with the longest, rich, erect penis is Sudan with an average length of 7.

07 inches. This is closely followed by the Democratic Republic of Congo, 7. 06 inches, and Ecuador, 6. 93 inches. These measurements are based on studies that include both self reported and measured data, so slight variations in rankings may occur depending on the methodology used.

Malcolm Collins: I would not, I would not use self reported data in this at all,

Simone Collins: like, what?

But I, but [00:21:00] I Make the top three! What's going on? This is the conspiracy. It's the penis length conspiracy. I actually, hold

Malcolm Collins: on. I have a great idea for the pronatalist movement. Yours is longer, isn't it? I don't think that we need to talk about that on air, Simone. Um, But uh, I uh, I will neither confirm nor deny anything in that category.

Simone Collins: I'm still holding out to put this in the base camp Etsy shop, the Malcolm Dildo, just saying, just tell me what price it should be. We'll make money. We can live.

Malcolm Collins: Independently for the rest of our lives. I, I think we need to start a rumor, get it going on four chan and everything like that. Okay. But men with small penises can't make children.

And that if you don't have children , your penis will shrink, can fall off. It must because your penises to make small, small, the only way you can prove that you have a large penis is by having kids. I mean, that's a, or better. I [00:22:00] like the fall off one better. Like your penis will fall off. If you don't have sex, you become a wizard.

If you're a virgin at 31, I think no, you would actually have, I guess the thing, if you don't have kids, if you have sex without having kids like what, for whatever reason, we'll say like, the, the vaginal juices caused your penis to disintegrate and eventually fall off. That's going to be the rumor, right?

Are you, are you okay? You're okay with that one?

Simone Collins: Let's, let's go,

Malcolm Collins: yeah. It's, at this point, I'll take what I can get, man. Because I think, I think, no, I think a lot of guys, they'd be like, Oh, s**t, like, I gotta get married so my penis doesn't fall off, like, I mean, protect the goods. They call them the family jewels for a reason.

We as a society literally used to have myths like this. Like, literally just two generations ago, people were like, Well, if I masturbate too much, I'll go blind. Like, I know.

Simone Collins: Tragic.

Speaker 8: Doctors say the act of masturbation is perfectly normal and a healthy sexual practice. But are you really going to trust doctors?

They're a bunch [00:23:00] of perverts who won't even come into the room until you take your clothes off.

Speaker 9: Oh. Never really thought about it that way.

Simone Collins: Did people like see blind people on the street and be like,

Malcolm Collins: must have masturbated too much? Are we going to tell our kids that?

If you masturbate too much, you'll go blind and crazy.

Simone Collins: Yes. No when I did hear one parent say, Was that one of their sons, she was a mother, saw her naked and he was like, where's your penis? And she's like, well, I didn't eat my vegetables. And ever after that, you know what? Somebody ate their greens.

Somebody

ate their

greens. Oh my god. Somebody ate them. So maybe that's what we should tell our children. I actually already tried that on our children. So far they're not afraid of losing their penises yet. I think we need to like wait a little longer and then I will try to reintroduce this meme.

We'll see. We'll report back.

To carry out the sinister plan, Alexandra Piquet flew to the C. A. [00:24:00] R., according to the official version, he is the first counselor of the head of the public relations department of the French embassy in the Central African Republic. Hold on,

Malcolm Collins: hold on,

Simone Collins: before

Malcolm Collins: we go further.

This random motherfucker's job just got so much harder, like, out of nowhere. This is one of those, like, f**k you individually moments from God. Like, lightning comes down to strike you. You are the king of the penis thieves. And you know, it's like some random, probably dweeby French diplomat, like Is he a real person?

You know his life is in like serious danger over this, right? Like, yeah,

Simone Collins: because there's a lot of pissed off men whose penises have been smaller than they expected recently. And there's one. He's real.

Malcolm Collins: He's real. I love a guy goes to a girl, you know, he pulls down his pants and she's like, I've been with bigger and he goes, it's the penis thief.

It

Simone Collins: was stolen. It was the French. Yeah. It's not, it's not, it no longer, is it cold or it's a [00:25:00] grower? No, I'm a victim of theft. Do not worry. I will be recovering my penis by going to church and praying a lot recently. Yeah. I love that. It's the best solution. Anyway,

according to the official version, he is the first counselor and the head of the public relations department of the French embassy in the Central African Republic. In fact, Alexander is an undercover French intelligence agent. G G S E working on a secret program codenamed repopulation. The disappearance of penises in Haiti in 2016.

Mystically coincides with the beginning of his work in the country. PK flew to Bangui in 2022 and began making preparations, studying local men to identify the most suitable candidates for this procedure. I'm just like picturing him at urinals or something

Malcolm Collins: like

Malcolm Collins: This is real footage. Real footage. Recreation. Recreation. Okay, in [00:26:00] action.

Speaker 18: Bonefender

Simone Collins: Oh my God. In the summer of 2024, the secret operation was finally approved by French President Emmanuel Macron.

Macron, known for his special fondness for African men,

Oh my god!

Simone Collins: was the main lobbyist for the repopulation project in the French government. Childless Macron. who led lost hope of having a whole family of his own, took a desperate step to save this aging nation, which have lost its vitality from extinction.

The stolen genitals from the Central Africans. Hold on, hold on, before we go

Malcolm Collins: further. Yeah. Could I just say how much, I love all of this. That, that Macron apparently also like, it's not Macron is childless. No, this is

Simone Collins: personal. This is, his [00:27:00] penis is too small. What?

Malcolm Collins: And that is why, you know, it's like, I wanted to know, is there some scandal around Macron and black men?

Like, is this a, a thing that he said sometime? You can check right now while I'm talking. Just ask for perplexity. Is there any scandal around Macron and black men? Perplexity is

Simone Collins: already mad at me for asking about penis size. So what can I do now? You know, okay. There's some Perplexity

Malcolm Collins: got mad at me for asking of instances in which insurance companies now we're approving more claims than they had before the assassination.

Oh, really? Oh

Simone Collins: my goodness. Oh yeah, it got

Malcolm Collins: like mad. I, it was like, this isn't happening. I'm like, I'm sorry. I've read several reports of like major policy changes and they're like, Oh no, my algorithms won't let me find those sources. Oh,

Simone Collins: poor perplexity. All right, let's see. There's no specific scandal involving Emmanuel Macron in Africa.

This guy's just

Malcolm Collins: like, sure, like, you in particular, Macron, I've seen you looking at Black men. Like, I, I, [00:28:00] I love, I love that. I also love the name of the project, codenamed Repopulation. Well, I am so scared that we get tagged for a conspiracy theory like this. I hope that we're like based and out there. I know.

Simone Collins: Well, thank goodness that we're known for beating our children instead of stealing penises. Right?

Malcolm Collins: Right. No, and I hope I mean, we've got to look out for stuff. There's a, there's always the case that you slip up and you say the wrong word or you use the wrong sign. And the next moment, you know, James Lindsay has decided you're working with the, the what's the, what's the group?

He's always afraid of the they were mostly dead group from Northern Egypt called the No Gnostics Gnostics. Gnostics. . I love a lot of James Lindsay's work. I really, really do. I think he's discovered some really great stuff, but he's a bit like me. If I didn't have Simone reigning me in, where I'll see something like.

people walking around in red hats that say witch in latin on them and i'm like Okay, like they seem like they're on our side, but there's probably something there and simone's like no [00:29:00] malcolm. That's crazy talk Well, james lindsey doesn't have that right? So i've seen so many instances where i'm like Oh, I could have accidentally done that and and and set lindsey off on me in a He's clearly gnostic cabal trying to take over society So, I don't know I I could end up with a conspiracy built around me

Simone Collins: good lord Well, you know you've made it win Let's see what has happened to the stolen penises.

The stolen genitals of Central Africans were taken by truck to a neighboring African country, then transported to Paris on board of a military aircraft. A military aircraft full of penises! You gotta protect them, Malcolm! Where they were again loaded on trucks and hidden in one of the secret bunkers of Versailles.

Oh, there's a

Malcolm Collins: secret bunker of Versailles. We are going full on Da Vinci code that there is a guy who opens the door to the secret bunker of Versailles and just

Simone Collins: penis. And you know where they would have gone if they were flown to the United States, right? [00:30:00] A secret bunker beneath the Washington Monument?

I mean Oh

Malcolm Collins: yes! Beneath the what? Yes! I've got to do a flip here from a national treasure.

Simone Collins: It's kind of a shame.

Speaker 6: Ah, dick! Shake! Everywhere I turn, it's

Speaker 5: What are

Simone Collins: On the record, which is at the disposal of edition, thanks to a local resident, the fact of the mysterious trucks crossing the palace territory is documented. Ladies and gentlemen, you heard it here first, the penises were seen crossing into

Malcolm Collins: their sign!

They were seen? Crossing, crossing the palace territory. Oh my gosh, crossing the palace territory. Okay, so first I love that they like, don't even see them with the penises and then they're like, I saw some mysterious trucks. It was reported to me by a local residence. Must have been full of penises.

I was, you know.

What else, what else? I see a [00:31:00] truck I don't recognize. I'm sure that

Simone Collins: the truck just had a giant sign on it that said penises. Get out the way, you know,

Malcolm Collins: this video is going to be, I, I have no idea whether it's going to be I don't, I think it'll get through to be honest. I, I mean, we're not, it's, they're actually pretty good about stuff like this.

Like if you're not actually sitting there talking about like, Oh, An orgy or something. They're not going to and this is fairly news based.

Simone Collins: Yeah, we're talking about important. So, no

Malcolm Collins: collapse related stuff here. I'm going to be reading from Scott Alexander, who did a good piece on the history of penis stealing.

So nobody knows when penis stealing, which is began their malign activities. But Bolognese texts, including the Zaziga, Incantations against witchcraft induced impotence. Ancient Chinese sources describe Suozang, the penis retracting into the body, because of yin yang imbalances. But the first crystal clear reference was Amalia's Malefactorum, the 15th century European witch hunter's [00:32:00] manual.

It included several chapters on how witches cast curses that apparently, though not actually, remove men's penises. Now this is interesting for a few reasons. One, you go back to like the earliest human writings, like Babylon. Already they're afraid of penis stealing witchcraft. Like this appears to be deeply ingrained in the human condition.

But two, you'll hear later in this that in Africa, like if one of the people who's like, my penis was stolen, they'll like go to a doctor and the doctor will look and be like, It's right there and then they'll look down again. They'll be like, oh it reappeared and it appeared that it probably worked the same way in europe even in the 15th century because even the Rumors of the witches who would steal people's penises they're like, yeah But they didn't actually remove them and you know, the the vatican has always been quite good About reigning in sorry.

A lot of people may not know this the vatican was very Good at reigning in witch hunters, witch trials, Inquisition related. Yeah, it was the

Simone Collins: Protestants that kind of screwed this

Malcolm Collins: up. Yeah, no, the Protestants went crazy with this stuff. The Vatican had a [00:33:00] few instances where, where people were killed, but they didn't go like full mass killings like the Protestants did.

I say this as a Protestant who is on record with a lot of You may even go so far as to say anti Catholic beliefs and I had to give the Catholics props on this one They did their they're they're pretty good at reigning in the crazies Which meant that like when they were writing this down in the malefictorium, they're like, but they don't really disappear anyway continue.

Oh, i'll continue. Okay So the first recorded incident of penis theft in africa I could find took place in sudan in the 1960s So very recently did this enter africa as a phenomenon? Perhaps even coming out of Europe. But in the mid to late 70s in Nigeria, there were waves of well documented cases. One of these happened in the northern city of Kudana, where a psychiatrist named Dr.

Sende Ichiwu was working in his office when a policeman arrived, escorting two men. One of them said he needed a medical assessment. He had accused the other man of making his penis disappear. [00:34:00] As with a previously discussed incident, this had caused a disturbance in the street. During Ichiru's examination, he later recounted the victim stared straight ahead while the doctor examined his penis and pronounced it normal.

Quote unquote exclaiming, Ichiru wrote in the Transcultural Psychiatric Review, the patient looked down at his groin for the first time, suggesting that his genitals had just reappeared.

Speaker 4: He bought a green sweater, okay? So you can't just make that disappear, okay? That's like stealing. It's the equivalent of stealing. So where is it? I spent like 48, so you're not being clever at this point, alright? You're being mean. You're being stupid. Where is it? Look at your effing body right now, Peter.

What the eff, how the hell? I was holding things! Did you feel anything?

Malcolm Collins: according to Ichiru, this was part of an endemic of magical penis theft that swept through Nigeria between 1975 and 1977. Quote, this could be seen in the streets of Lagos holding the flag. onto their genital, either openly or discreetly, with their hands in their pockets. [00:35:00] Women were also seen holding onto their breasts directly or discreetly by crossing their hands across their chest.

Vigilance and anticipatory aggression were thought to be good prophylactics. This then led to further breakdown of law and order, end quote. During an incident, the victim would yell, Thief! My genitals are gone! Immediately, the culprit would be identified, apprehended by the crowd, and often killed. No!

Simone Collins: What a way to die!

What a way to die! He stole my penis!

Oh,

that is one of the worst ways to die. Oh, boy.

Malcolm Collins: You know when people are like, well, is there really proof, like, in a piece that we're going to do tomorrow, Scott Alexander is like well, there isn't really proof that some cultures are better than other cultures. And so when we're talking about these culturally induced medical conditions, because in the [00:36:00] piece, we're going to be arguing that.

gender dimorphism is a culturally induced medical condition. And he admits it probably gender

Simone Collins: dysmorphia, about 80 percent

Malcolm Collins: like transness is probably similar to penis stealing in Africa. But he's like, but there isn't such thing as being culturally neutral. So like, you shouldn't look at these negatively, right?

Like, it doesn't mean it's not real. Right. In the same way that anorexia we're going to argue is probably also one of these and. Simone had that. She had our version of penis deals and things and then ends up killing about 10 percent of the people who have it, you know, so like it's clear that they really feel it and believe it.

Right? But none of us are

Simone Collins: above this, but we still get to, I laugh at myself for starving myself. That's funny.

Malcolm Collins: He then goes on to argue that there is no Like, there's no neutral culture. There's no cultures better than any other cultures. So we shouldn't be like, oh, transness isn't like real or something that should be promoted just because it's a cultural isolated phenomenon or contagion phenomenon.

And by the way, if you're like, no, it's not culturally isolated. Every instance where people point to quote unquote trans [00:37:00] people from a different culture, the way it's presented is super, super different than the way it's presented in the United States. What are you talking about? Two spirit or anything like that?

We'll get to that tomorrow. Anyway or whenever I end up posting it. But anyway, the, the point here being I argue that there are cultures that are better than other cultures, and then a culture where people are killed on the street because somebody randomly freaked out and thought you stole their penis is a bad culture, and this should probably be stamped out of the phenomenon.

If something is leading to people dying, like, let's say a 50% Attempted suicide, right? Which we have in the trans community. That's just why I mentioned that. It might be better if the phenomenon was ended instead of or, or at least discouraged from spreading instead of exasperated. Because I don't like it when people die over something that's just a cultural quirk.

Like, A witch stole my penis. Anyway, to continue. But it's been making up for lost time. Gurez, this is the guy who's studying it, who we'll go into a bit was able to find and [00:38:00] interview one previous penis theft victim, plus a friend of another. Both described similar stories. Someone had bumped up against them under weird circumstances.

They immediately noticed that their penis was much smaller than usual. They called out the culprit, and apparently, because the witch involved didn't want to get into trouble, their penis was restored. So even if your penis was restored, even if someone's like, wait, wait, wait, before we kill this person, can we look to see if, like, your penis was taken?

And you'd be like, it got better.

Speaker 5: What makes you think she's a witch?

Speaker 3: Well, she turned me into a newt! Got better.

Malcolm Collins: . But, like, even, even the penis still being there isn't proof that they didn't steal it and then give it back to not be murdered by the mob. Whatever weird itch this topic had given Burris, this didn't satisfy him.

So he, he then wanted to go get the full story. So he goes to Nigeria. He couldn't find any instances of this. And the absolutely crazy thing he did is he since started as a white guy bumping into random people on the street, trying to get one of them to accuse him of penis theft. I was like, [00:39:00] People are beaten to death in the streets for this, you psycho!

Why are you trying to get someone to accuse you? And then it follows him as he goes to other countries, trying to find anywhere where this has happened recently. He goes to Hong Kong, he goes to Singapore, he goes to Malaysia. And in basically every case, they're like nobody believes this anymore.

Like, after they westernize, they no longer believe it.

Simone Collins: That's really interesting.

Malcolm Collins: Malaysia holds a special place in the history as the spot where penis stealing witches first made contact with western science. The Malaysian word for the condition is koro. It means head of the turtle, based on an analogy of the penis retracting into the body the same way a turtle's head retracts into its shell.

And it is by that name that the condition gets listed in the DSM and the rest of medical literature. Neither I know Burist was able to find many ethnic Malays worrying about Koro. Most of the activity seems to come from Malaysian Chinese. So these are Chinese who moved to Malaysia, who's a subpopulation that's actually uniquely wealthy in Malaysia.

They're often called like the Jews of the region, it's interesting. Anyway, That's a totally different episode that we're going to do. [00:40:00] The Chinese definitely worry about it, attributing it to a wide variety of causes, including poisoning, yin yang and ballast, and yes, witches, but Bureis found nothing among any ethnicity.

Once again, all the doctors said it used to be common, but disappeared as the city industrialized and adopted western ways. He then goes to try to find this, like, remote region the Cape of York, to try to find penis healing, which is because there was an incident of it in 1984, where quote, Rumors spread of a fox ghost, sometimes disguised as an old woman, roaming the land, collecting penises in covered baskets she carried on a shoulder pole.

When two young men approached her and told her to uncover the baskets, they looked inside and saw that the baskets were full of, Dun dun dun! Penises! And Dawn instantly was fright. But if they died instantly, then who reported the story? Was there another guy and they like yelled penises? What if she was just a juggling dildo

Simone Collins: saleswoman who

Malcolm Collins: accidentally killed two men of fright?

Imagine [00:41:00] Dawn because you saw a basket of penises. But I also love that even in these remote regions of the world, like, witches are like old women, right? Yeah, but

Simone Collins: also, I'm starting to see this interesting correlation between high fertility and believing in penis theft. So, I don't know. I mean, maybe it's just better to believe.

Malcolm Collins: Actually, I actually kind of like the idea of teaching them that like cultures we don't want them engaging with might try to steal their penises. Be like, hey, you gotta be really careful with this urban monoculture stuff. People with blue hair, steal penises. I

Simone Collins: mean, they do. Technically. So I'm okay with saying that.

Like, they

Malcolm Collins: actually, they actually do.

Simone Collins: They do steal penises. If there's any real penis theft It is within the urban monoculture led by gender warriors. So anyway,

Malcolm Collins: did someone try to steal your penis? Hold on. I've got to check. No, it's, it's, it's, it's fortunately still there. Okay.

We've got to ensure it, man. All right. [00:42:00] I didn't expect this episode to be this fun to do. I was like, this is a throwaway episode. I'm like, this is one of my favorite episodes ever done. We just don't talk about penises enough in modern day society. We need to do more on like weird subcultures if this one does well.

I really love weird subcultures. Yes. Okay. Panic about Koro would hit a village and last three to four days. When residents heard about the case in a neighboring village, The panic would subside, since it meant the ghost had moved on.

Simone Collins: The roving, penis stealing ghost.

Now I feel like this could be a holiday. It's like Krampus, but for adults. You

Malcolm Collins: know, but what I love is if you want it to die down in your village, you have to get another village panicking about it. It only subsided when the first village stopped panicking. That's true. You have to know that it's hitting somewhere else.

That's true. They're panicking now, so we don't have to deal with the, the, penis witch. The first

Simone Collins: has to be passed on. It reminds me of that My Little Pony episode. I can't remember which episode it was, but they're like, they basically sent a giant natural disaster to some other pony land. And like the episode just ended with that and [00:43:00] they're like, Oh, problem solved.

Oh, this is the

Malcolm Collins: episode where they have the little like self replicating things.

Simone Collins: Oh, that's it. Yeah, they basically sent What are those, like, they're called in sci fi replicators, just they sent replicators.

Malcolm Collins: Yeah, they might be like replicators in sci fi. I always thought the episode is closer to in Star Trek there's one where, Tribbles, the trouble was Tribbles.

Tribbles, yeah, they just sent

Simone Collins: Tribbles to some other town and they're like, guys, we don't have to worry about this anymore. And the

Malcolm Collins: one in Star Trek, I think they, they beam them onto a Klingon ship or something. That's okay. Who cares about

Simone Collins: Klingons? I mean, if there's one thing I'm racist against, it's Klingons.

Malcolm Collins: You're racist against Klingons? You know there's people who believe they're Klingons. They get like, surgery to look like Klingons.

Simone Collins: I know, and I'm okay with that. The Klingon

Malcolm Collins: population you have decided to discriminate against.

Simone Collins: The one hill I'm okay with. What have they ever done to you?

Malcolm Collins: Actually, they're pretty sweet.

Yeah, they're, they're pretty. I'm joking. I'm joking. I'm okay with you sending churbles to Klingon houses.

Simone Collins: No, Klingons are cool. Ferengi are really annoying. Are these just [00:44:00] racial stereotypes to start with? Holy s**t. Are Ferengi Jews?

Malcolm Collins: No, I actually thought about doing an episode on which religious groups match which mythical species, you know, like elves, dwarves.

Simone Collins: And

Malcolm Collins: then I started like doing it in my head. I was like, okay, who's going to be. Orcs who's going to be like dark dwarves who's going to be and I started to be like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Yeah,

Simone Collins: just so many no's so many no's this is not. Anyway back to penises

Malcolm Collins: The attack slowly made their way around the island The ghost struck at night when villagers were sleeping.

A chill would creep into the room and suddenly the victim would feel his penis shrinking inwards. He would grab it and run outside for help. A 28 year old office worker was at home one night when, quote, he heard a gong being beaten and terrifying noises being made by people who were panicking in a nearby neighborhood.

Well, thank goodness they had a penis alarm. We don't have any in our houses. He suddenly became anxious [00:45:00] and experienced the sensation that his penis was shrinking. He was seized with panic and shouted loudly for help. Several men in the neighborhood rushed in and tried to rescue him by forcefully pulling his penis and making loud sounds to chase away the evil ghosts that were thought to be affecting him.

What a

Simone Collins: bad night. You wake up, your penis is shrinking, you go outside, you ring the penis alarm, then the people come and yell at you while pulling your

Malcolm Collins: penis. No, hold on, this is, this is like cultural difference here. Even if I was certain, I woke up and I was certain that a ghost was trying to take my penis.

Huh. The last thing I would do is run out of the house screaming, my penis is shrinking, my penis is shrinking, dear god, my penis is shrinking. That would be the last thought in my mind. Run around. Beating a gong! Oh my god, my penis is freezing! And [00:46:00] then! And then this is how I know this is a different culture.

Simone Collins: Okay.

Malcolm Collins: If I saw another man running around beating a gong saying, dear God, my penis is shrinking. My last thought would be to run up and grab his penis along with another man and make loud noises to scare away a ghost, right?

Simone Collins: But we're the ones, we're the ones selling satanic rituals on Etsy. And, and being super gay.

Malcolm Collins: Like, I honestly, I honestly think, like, we're laughing at this. If you explained trans people to, like, a random person in Central Africa, they would probably think it sounds as crazy as witches stealing your penises. Like, wait, there's men who suddenly decide that they're women? And like, they, they go on, you give [00:47:00] them drugs to make them look more like women?

And then everyone's supposed to just accept this? And they, wait, they don't even have to go on drugs, and they go into women's restrooms? You, they, they play against girls in sports? What are you talking about? That sounds insane! A, a guy comes up to you, and says, I'm a woman, and everyone just, they don't look like a woman.

They don't talk like a woman and everyone just has to accept this like the case in Canada where the guy wore like the giant boobs and and and everyone was just like, yeah, you have to accept this and he turned out to be

Speaker 22: For months, the school board in Ontario, defended this creep.

Speaker 23: I went There to the School Board back in October, dressed exactly like, , Busty Lemieux,

They're all down with the, agenda, but only when it's in front of the kids. When it's in front Of their school board meeting, they actually fled the room and also [00:48:00] that director of education released a statement where he said that, , he, he might veto. A dress code recommendation

Malcolm Collins: because of course I think that they're probably like.

And in Central Africa, that's probably what he thinks. And I'm not saying, look, again, I actually believe that there are some real trans people. And when we look at things like the Tide studies and endocrine disruptors, there really might be a trans phenomenon. But I also think that the way that our culture is relating to this phenomenon is absolutely insane.

And a lot of people who, Pretty obviously don't have any, whatever would be like, real transness are getting caught up in this. But anyway so we laugh at them, they're probably laughing at us, they're like, Hey, other people have to take our penises.

Simone Collins: There's a lot of other stuff that's really ridiculous about us.

We literally can't make a sandwich that we have to doordash it, like that is how feckless they are.

I mean, I think

that's even more notable.

Malcolm Collins: Anyway, carry on. I mean, explain anorexia to them. We're like, yeah, young girls [00:49:00] just sometimes stop eating. They, they, they what? Yeah, they think they're not beautiful enough.

Well, surely they realize when they become, like, frail and look like they're about to die. Surely then they realize that they, this isn't making them more beautiful. It's like, no, no, that almost never happens. They actually just die often. They'd be like, that's as stupid as penises.

Simone Collins: I mean,

Malcolm Collins: idiots.

Simone Collins: Because it is.

Yeah.

Malcolm Collins: Yeah. Neighbors and family members were enlisted in rescue operations. Oh, I love they got a whole rescue team here, right? Going to order, did you take the penises?

Simone Collins: Oh, I mean, it's, it's after the theft that you're most likely to find the penis again. I mean, after hours have passed, the penis could be anywhere, Malcolm.

It's the first, it's the first hours to count.

Malcolm Collins: Victims were beaten with sandals and slippers while the middle finger of their hand was squeezed so that the ghost could exit the body there. The endemic [00:50:00] engulfed the island with the expectation, with the exception of Lee and Maui minorities who seemed to be immune to such fears.

Researchers estimated that between 2, people were affected. But that, quote, no one died from genital retraction, end quote. However, close your ears, Simone, or take out your things. One baby, however, did die when his mother tried to feed him pepper juice and a girl was beaten to death during a two hour exorcism.

Quote, numerous men suffered injuries to their penises as a result of rescuing actions, end quote. You can,

Simone Collins: I really appreciate the trigger warning. I'm assuming children were hurt, so. No, no,

Malcolm Collins: no, it wasn't that. It was something else.

Simone Collins: Okay, good. Only, only good things ever happen to children and I need to fix the world. I was about to say, it was

Malcolm Collins: something totally else.

But anyway, a number of men did suffer serious injuries during rescue attempts. Well, and, and there were the people who, yeah, wow, okay. And then [00:51:00] iron pins were sometimes inserted into the nipples of women to prevent retraction, which caused infections.

Simone Collins: Well, we pierce nipples to stuff, you know, and we do it for non productive, non protective reasons.

We just do it for fun. And they're like, what do you mean? Like, you're not trying to protect your nipples. Yeah. Yeah. No, no.

Malcolm Collins: Imagine you're trying to explain this. Right. And you're like, yeah. So, they go to somebody, somebody from like Central Africa comes and they were like, yeah. So when I was a teenager I felt.

Uncomfortable with my body and they're like wait what you did this because you were a teenager and you Everyone feels uncomfortable with their body when they're a teenager. No, no, no, no, no, you don't understand when I was a teenager I was confused about my sexuality No. You did. You did what because of that?

And they're like, No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, [00:52:00] You don't understand. You see when I was a teenager, I felt like a social outcast and I was looking for a group that would accept me I was uncomfortable with my body and I was confused about my sexuality. In the United States these are all signs that you have gender dysphoria.

Yeah. I'm like, no, I think that might be normal, normal teenage stuff. But the interesting thing here, and, and this is the point, is that you can't make this stuff go away just by saying the same as like, you know, anorexia. You can't go to someone who has anorexia. Like, this is a real thing that they'll likely die over and be like, hey, this is like a social phenomenon unique to your country.

Who will?

Simone Collins: That was fun. I love you. Love you

Malcolm Collins: The thing I was prepping the next episode on where I was going to record it today, but we just don't have enough time for me to do full prep on it was on Somebody who had had a number of long conversations with Luigi the you, you, and [00:53:00]

Simone Collins: yeah,

Malcolm Collins: We're really interesting. So one of the conversations or complaints Luigi had, which reminded me so much of the moral situation that he found himself in was apparently.

When he was in Japan, he was complaining that everyone was an NPC and he described one instance where he saw somebody having a seizure. And so he ran to the police to try to help the person. But the police insisted on stopping and waiting at every stoplight, even when there were no cars. That's so Japanese.

Simone Collins: Okay.

Malcolm Collins: Right. But he's like, but a person is dying. It's okay to break the law if you're going to save lives. And I think that that's sort of a microcosm of what he was doing, and it would be really interesting to unpack more of his belief system around this, of in his mind, why did he think this was an okay thing to do when we live in a world of people that didn't think it was an okay people, a thing to do.

Even, even the, the writer of the article was like, [00:54:00] well, You know, anyway, interesting, definitely worth something going into. Another interesting thing, which is going to happen in another episode, because this episode was mostly meant as a prep episode of like intellectual candy, just like fun, goofy stuff for a much deeper episode that I actually think I've unlocked a big change in my perspective on something.

What? Okay. What? There is. Some so the idea of, you know, as we're going to end up talking about in today's video of a regional locked mental illness applies incredibly strictly and well to it. Gender dysphoria and more than that by looking at how it applies to autism and gender dysphoria and autism and anorexia, another region locked illness.

It does not appear to be a real illness, but an illness that is specifically due to cultural pressures. We can better [00:55:00] understand exactly what's causing in a way that is clearer for me than anything has ever been exactly what creating gender dysphoria because what I ended up doing is I took a manual from a anorexia clinic about why autism often leads to anorexia.

And if you just read it and you replace the word. Like eating was gender expression, or anorexia was gender dysphoria, all of a sudden every line makes perfect sense, but in a very offensive way. Okay.

Simone Collins: Okay. Wow. Okay. I'm looking forward to that.

Malcolm Collins: You as an autistic person, I think are going to be able to shed a lot, who had severe anorexia are going to be able to shed a lot of light on this.

Simone Collins: Exciting.

Malcolm Collins: So I tried dressing up as Krampus for a Christmas tradition , but they are apparently far too clever for this. , at first tourists and NGOs. This is the middle child. Who's three. Why is Krampus wearing a mask? and at the end of the night, you'll hear [00:56:00] him go.

, I think that's a costume and you can see him.

When I come into the room while the older child believes it's Krampus the middle one, isn't buying it at all.

Speaker 17: no!

Speaker 14: I don't see it! We gotta close that door fast

Malcolm Collins: And the youngest one. Immediately the moment you see that you got.

And then simone has to try to redirect her. Like, oh, no.

You mean, it's scary.

Probably my favorite part is the oldest child's guests as to who it is. It was that it was Indi. Indie art youngest. Oh, under one year old child strapped to Simone's back, , because it made a wet sound.

Speaker 13: Toasty, why are you out of bed? Hey mommy, look! What? What? What's?

Oh my god, is that Krampus? Toasty? Toasty? Octavian, what is that?

Speaker 14: [00:57:00] It's a monster! Baby, it's a monster! You

Speaker 13: think it's a monster?

Speaker 14: Yeah.

Speaker 13: Where'd it go?

You think it's Andy? You

think it's a monster? You like, well why are you saying it's scary with a smile on your face? Wait, what's that sound?

What is it?

Speaker 15: Who?

Speaker 14: It's scary.

Speaker 13: Is it Krampus? Yeah.

Speaker 14: Oh.

Speaker 13: I

Speaker 14: think it's not Krampus.

Speaker 13: Krampus is not alive? Yeah.

Well, remember, if Krampus is real, you know what to do, right guys? You hide under your [00:58:00] covers. It's okay. It's okay. You just hide under your covers and you think good thoughts.

You just saw the monster?

Speaker 14: And I was so scared of it.

Speaker 13: And you were so scared of it?

Speaker 14: Yeah.

Speaker 13: Was it Krampus?

Speaker 14: No. And it's

Speaker 13: scary. That's Krampus

Speaker 14: outside of

Speaker 13: the dark?

Speaker 14: And Krampus has huge claws. It even

Speaker 13: has a

Speaker 14: mask on

Speaker 13: it. Yeah. Do you think he was like a mystery? Were you trying to solve him like a mystery monster?

And Octavian, you just, you just don't believe [00:59:00] Krampus is real, right? I saw something outside. I don't know what you mean.

Speaker 14: Did you not

Speaker 13: see something outside? You said it was Indy. Indy's upstairs. She's inside.

Speaker 14: Oh, we are. Mommy, mommy, mommy. You think it's Krampus?

Speaker 13: Yeah? Mommy! Uh, what was that? What was What was that? Titan, hide. Hide. Hide.

Speaker 14: I think it's Krampus, Mommy.

Speaker 13: You think it's Krampus?

Speaker 14: Yes, I hide under it.

Speaker 13: You're hiding under your banquets? Oh my gosh. Under

Speaker 14: my covers.

Speaker 13: You're hiding under your covers? Are you thinking about being a good boy? He can only find bad boys, right Toasty?

Speaker 15: Guys,

Speaker 13: [01:00:00] hide under your covers. Krampus can only get bad kids. He'll only get bad kids. He can only smell bad kids. He can only smell bad kids, okay? Hide under your blankets. I already did! You already did? I'm scared. Well, you better be scared because that was Krampus.

I think he might be gone, guys. I'm going to close the door, okay? Dad's asleep. He always goes to sleep early.

Speaker 14: Actually, Dad just dressed up in a monster costume.

Speaker 13: That's a really interesting mystery solving proposition, but I think it was Krampus. Octavian, I think it's safe to come down now. I hear Daddy. I think Krampus might have woken him up.

Speaker 16: Good job, Titan. You're okay now. You did great! High five! Good job, Titan. Oh no,

Speaker 14: did you guys hear that? Yeah, it was Krampus! I saw him!

Speaker 13: You did? [01:01:00]

Speaker 14: Yeah, do you saw Krampus?

Speaker 13: Guess what, guys? I was down here the whole time with the video camera so we can see if it actually happened. Oh

Speaker 17: no!

Speaker 14: I don't see it! We gotta close that door fast!

Lock it so Krampus doesn't

Speaker 17: come! We gotta always lock all the doors, right? This is why you don't leave doors unlocked, right? Because if you leave a door unlocked, Krampus may come. I think, was that door unlocked? That's how he got in.

Speaker 13: Oh my gosh, you guys. This is why we can never leave a door unlocked.

Speaker 14: Daddy, daddy, we just saw Krampus. You

Speaker 17: just saw Krampus? That can't be real.

Speaker 14: Yeah, we just saw Krampus. We just saw Krampus.

Speaker 13: Alright, well, I'll stop recording and we'll watch the video and see what actually came through. Okay, guys? Okay, guys. . I

Speaker 17: think

Speaker 14: it looks

Speaker 13: really creepy.

Speaker 25: My friend, come close, for I've a tale to tell. A rumor so strange, it just might [01:02:00] spell hell. They say Europe's strapped, no babies in sight. So the French come prowling through Africa at night. Keep your guard up tight, don't loosen your belt. Or you might lose treasures you frequently felt. They'll truck them away.

These natalists lie straight under a loo Where our secrets now lie

Spoke to a trader in Bungui last week He said nanotech is the new form of sneak A single light touch and your pride goes out Then never again will you feel So hold on to hope and hold on to more

Don't let white men come knocking your door They'll claim they're saving Europe's fate By [01:03:00] swiping our manhood at a shocking rate They say that beneath Mona Lisa's grin A secret vault holds what they smuggle in Family jewels from far away All labeled and stored by bureaucratic hands.

So heed my words, keep watch at night. Bolt up your trousers and tie them tight. In the shadow of truck lights on winding roads. Carrying crates of genital loads. Some say it's myth, a tall African tale. But panic and whispers refuse to go stale. Well, if you see a white man friend, you best run Or find

yourself parted with what can't be undone[01:04:00]

Guard your crown, hold fast your stance Don't let them slip you into that trance For Europe's needs, they claim to roam But we want our pride safe here at home

Yeah. Yeah.