Boundaries: What is the pass rule and can you use it?

In this experimental therapy-format episode,  Zach meets with a couple, 16 years into marriage, parenting two adopted, neurodivergent kids, and living abroad, to model what real therapeutic work sounds like.

The wife names “the mother machine” as the force grinding her down: menopause, recent moves, ongoing renovations, executive-function challenges, and hyper-empathy that makes parenting especially taxing. The husband longs for renewed connection and shared fun, and admits to a lifelong pattern of shelving his own needs while rationally “handling” crises. Zach frames the work around three questions:

1. What do you want? 
2. What’s in the way? 
3. How do we work on what’s in the way?

They confront the tempting but flawed idea that “if we fix one partner, we fix the marriage.” With candor and care, they explore grief, desire, changing bodies, and culture-shock; the need for boundaries (including a “pass rule”); and Zach’s three-year relationship cycles lens. The conversation lands on a hopeful truth: you can’t magic back year-one chemistry, but you can adapt, plant new trees, and intentionally build intimacy for the season you’re in.

Key Takeaways

• Name the real obstacle, not the scapegoat
  “Fixing” one partner doesn’t fix a marriage; the work is defining what you want, what’s in the way, and tackling those obstacles together.

• The “mother machine” is real
  Menopause, moves, neurodivergent parenting, and hyper-empathy create sustained overwhelm that crowds out self-care and couple time.

• Grief and expectation both live here
  The husband grieves the imagined dad life (beach, bikes, sailing) and asks for shared play and energy; the wife wants legitimacy for how hard this season truly is.

• Three-year cycles require adaptation
  Long-term relationships evolve in cycles; thriving couples re-design intentionally every few years instead of coasting on year-one dynamics.

• Body autonomy and shame need careful handling
  The wife resists any narrative that her body must change to make the marriage “work,” naming past control and current shame as triggers.

• Patterns under pressure
  The husband tends to detach feelings, get hyper-rational, and become the “sacrificial lamb”; the wife over-identifies with others’ feelings and floods.

• Celebrate the 52% while tending the rest
  Zach urges maximizing what’s working now, rather than only grieving what isn’t, especially in harder seasons.

• Containers beat loops
  Without structure, they “circle” the same arguments. Boundaried conversations and the “pass rule” create safety and traction.

Guest Info
Sixteen years married, parenting two adopted, neurodivergent kids, and navigating major life transitions abroad.

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