Exploring Vulnerability and Empathy

I’m angry! A Once-UndocumentedImmigrant Speaks from the Heart-- Live Work with Sunny, Part 1 Sunny Choi is a beloved member of the TEAM community. He grew up in Hong Kong before emigrating with his family to the United States when he was 11 years old. He graduated from UCLA with a major in engineering, completed a master’s degree in Engineering Management at Stanford, and developed a successful career in high tech Silicon Valley companies. However, he left his work to pursue additional graduate training in clinical social work because he discovered that his strongest call was to help individuals who were being marginalized by American culture and suffering. He then obtained an MSW degree with a specialty in Community Mental Health from California State University. We were fortunate when Sunny discovered and joined our free Stanford TEAM CBT training group, and blossomed into an expert TEAM therapist and beloved colleague and friend. Today, Dr. Jill Levitt and I worked with Sunny because he requested a session to work on his own troubled feelings concerning the recent political developments. He emphasized that he wanted to do personal work, rather than focusing too heavily on the current political controversies and battles. You can find the Daily Mood Log (DML) that Sunny prepared just prior to his session if you click here As you can see, at the top of his DML, he described the upsetting event as tearing up when he was teaching a class and discussing a case of a transgender Mexican American man, and he began reflecting on his own memories of growing up as a gay male and undocumented immigrant. Sadness and anger were the two strongest negative feelings (rated 70 and 80, respectively on a scale from 0 to 100), although he was also moderately anxious, guilty, rejected, hopeless, and frustrated. You can also see the ten negative thoughts he recorded on his DML, and how strongly he believed each one, on a scale from 0 (not at all) to 1000 (completely.). During the session he added three more thoughts: 11.  I (shouldn’t be) living such a happy and pleasurable life when others are suffering. 70% 12.  I should be helping others more. 80% 13.  I have to figure out the correct way to be thinking and feeling. 50% At the start of the session, he said that he felt vulnerable and nervous discussing such personal feelings, memories, and thoughts. He also said that after doing much personal and professional work, he was generally happy and loving, but felt profoundly disturbed when he thought about so many people who are suffering. He said, “Many of my clients are being deported. And those who are gay are worried that they’ll lose access to their medications.” These were the kinds of thoughts that triggered his feelings of guilt. During the empathy phase, Jill mentioned that she felt honored to be talking to Sunny today and proud to be a member of a community where you can reach out when you’re suffering. She added that she felt torn, as I did, because it seemed to us that many of his negative thoughts were realistic, and not distorted, and that it makes sense to feel sad, anxious, worried, and angry. For example, his first negative thought on his DML was, “The world is much more unstable and dangerous now.” Sunny emphasized that most of the time he does feel happy, especially when involved with friends and family, and doing the things he loves. But then he gets confused and guilty, wondering if it is right to feel happy when things are looking so dark for so many people. It certainly makes sense to feel unhappy when, as Sunny said, some of his clients and friends have lost their jobs and people in the LGBTQ+ community are afraid they’ll get deported. And we’re all afraid to speak up and talk about diversity, which has become a dirty word that can get you into trouble. And when Sunny thinks about this, he feels profound sadness and compassion. But as previously noted, this has caused confusion for Sunny, and he struggles with feelings of guilt about the fact that he is truly happy so much of the time. He’s happy about his beautiful life, his marriage, and more—this, in fact, is his happiest he’s ever been. Here’s how he puts it: “I used to be undocumented. The experience and the hostility and bias I confronted traumatized me. And when I heard Trump talk about all the ‘murders and rapists’ invading our country from Mexico, I became tearful. I feel angry—they don’t think we’re human. “I want people to be more compassionate. . . . To say we’re rapists and criminals, it’s not okay. . . it’s mean, and it’s very harmful to mental health. . . . It’s like repeatedly poking at someone who is recovering from a terrible wound, and it hurts.” Jill was touched, and found Sunny’s vulnerability heart-warming, beautiful, and refreshing. Rhonda reminded us that unless we are Indigenous Native Americans, all Americans are descended from immigrants. In my own case, all my ancestors came from Sweden in the late 1800s during the potato famine. Sunny pointed out the European immigrants have not been discriminated against in the same way as the Africans, Asians, Latinos, Islamic, and dark-skinned individuals: “Let’s be open. It’s racism. I felt it right from the start.” Sunny gave us an A+ on empathy, and then we worked to set the agenda for the session. What did Sunny hope to get from the session? What did he want help with? What changes was he hoping for? He said: “Maybe my feelings are appropriate, but some may be too intense. My goal is to find peace; to have hope, and to try to do something to help. . . I want to feel proud of who I am and what I stand for. I want to try to be loving and compassionate, even to people who don’t have the same beliefs and values. . . . Although that can be incredibly challenging!” When you listen to today’s podcast, you will hear the T = Testing and E = Empathy portions of the session. Next week, you will hear the A = Paradoxical Agenda Setting and M = Methods portions along with the conclusion, including the final T = Testing to evaluate his end of session scores on the Brief Mood Survey and Evaluation of Therapy Session. Thank you for joining us. Rhonda, Jill, Sunny, and I appreciate all of you!