Stephen Grosz - ‘Real love is going to hurt’
How To Fail With Elizabeth Day
What is a proper psychological marriage?
Grosz contrasts legal marriage with deep psychological attachment, using examples like addiction to show whose needs are truly met.
Warning: this episode may contain MIND-BLOWING moments.
Stephen Grosz is a practising psychoanalyst and a personal hero of mine. He has worked with patients for more than 45 years and his first book, The Examined Life, drew on these experiences. When it was published in 2013, it caused a sensation and went straight to number one in the Sunday Times bestseller list. Since then, hundreds of thousands of readers, including me, have taken it to our hearts.
Now 12 years on from his debut, Grosz is back with Love's Labour, which asks fundamental questions around how to love and be loved in return, drawing on his almost half a century of clinical expertise.
In this episode we discuss why real love causes suffering, why failed marriages are often the best kind, the difference between surrender and submission in relationships, why loss has to be part of being human and how we can be happy. Plus: a fascinating peek into what it’s like to be a psychoanalyst when I get to ask ‘are you ever annoyed by your clients?’
✨ IN THIS EPISODE:
02:28 Understanding Attachment to Suffering
04:25 The Role of Denial in Our Lives
06:32 Failures and Self-Perception
07:23 Stephen's Childhood
21:46 The Power of Unconscious Signals
25:24 Navigating Change and Loss
26:25 The Anxiety of Letting Go
28:22 The Price of Love
29:23 Writing from the Heart
30:16 Support Systems
32:27 Family Dynamics and Psychoanalysis
36:51 Surrender vs. Submission
45:25 Understanding Pain and Grief
48:25 Final Thoughts and Farewell
💬 QUOTES TO REMEMBER:
The aim of life is to see oneself clearly, and the world clearly.
Psychoanalysis is two people not knowing - together. We have to figure it out together, and that means both of us will make mistakes and I will get it wrong.
These failures brought me embarrassment, unhappiness, and pain. I wouldn't wish them away.
Real love is going to hurt
🔗 LINKS + MENTIONS:
Stephen’s new book - Loves Labour: www.stephengrosz.com
Elizabeth’s Substack: https://theelizabethday.substack.com/
Join the How To Fail community: https://howtofail.supportingcast.fm/#content
📚 WANT MORE?
Dr Nicole LePera - The Holistic Psychologist sheds light on life’s struggles: https://link.chtbl.com/Tlf5L5Jb
Emma Reed Turrell - the psychotherapist and author joins Elizabeth to discuss people-pleasing and the art of setting boundaries: https://link.chtbl.com/zthtQyEm
Alain de Botton - the famed philosopher on how to love and be loved: https://link.chtbl.com/RBaS4VUy
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Production & Post Production Coordinator: Eric Ryan
Sound Engineer: Matias Torres
Assistant Producer: Suhaar Ali
Senior Producer: Hannah Talbot
Executive Producer: Carly Maile
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