Nurturing Connections: The Role of Relationships in Boys' Development

This chapter explores the challenges of raising boys in modern society, highlighting the critical role of emotional connections in their development. It emphasizes the alarming statistics regarding feelings of disconnection and the impact on young men's mental health, advocating for nurturing relationships with educators and caregivers. The conversation also addresses effective parenting strategies that prioritize connection over punishment to support boys' growth and well-being.

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Now is the best time to raise boys, says psychologist Michael Reichert, founding director of the Center for the Study of Boys’ & Girls’ Lives, author of How to Raise a Boy, and co-author of Equimundo’s recent State of American Men report.

It doesn’t feel that way to many parents (or boys), though. Recently, for the first time in recorded history, a majority of expectant American parents expressed a preference for a female child because boys’ lives are “too uncertain.”

“There’s such a cloud of pessimism that hangs over raising a boy,” Reichert says. But over the course of his career, Reichert has seen “a revolution in the willingness to apply science to the project of male development.” Researchers, educators, and parents are beginning to seriously think about how to best support boys.

Connection is Crucial

At present, 2/3 of American men ages 18-23 says “no one really knows me well.” That’s a problem because humans who are not in relationship with others who know them well are dangerous to themselves and others.

Human beings are relational learners, and boys, in particular, need connection to thrive. “Boys will give up trying if they don’t believe that someone really ‘get them’ and cares about how they’re doing,” Reichert says.

Boys may appear to resist relationships (especially with teachers), but often, that resistance is grounded in past experience. By late elementary school, many boys have already concluded that most people don’t genuinely care about them — so, they resist adult efforts to connect, in an effort to protect themselves. “Consequently, the boy is misunderstood as someone who is unavailable for relationship,” Reichert says, which “compounds that problem and exacerbates the cycle.”

Yet many parents believe that boys’ noisy resistance should be “met by an exercise of force or domination,” such as threat, punishment, scolding, or shaming, he says. But that’s precisely when boys most need connection and compassion.

“The long game in parenting a boy who’s having trouble behaving is to help that boy express what’s driving his behavior” and help him develop emotional awareness and self-regulation skills, Reichert says.