Pausing and Understanding Needs in Communication

Do you want to live with more intention to achieve your goals? In this 4th episode in a series on Intentional Living, Dr. Regan identifies ways to use communication to create connection and help you achieve the life goals you aim for.

 

Resources mentioned in the podcast: 

Talking About Autism podcast series

The Science of Making Friends: book

Better Small Talk: book

Crucial Conversations: book

 

Dr. Regan's Resources

Book: Understanding Autism in Adults and Aging Adults, 2nd ed

Audiobook

Book: Understanding Autistic Behaviors

Autism in the Adult website homepage

Website Resources for Clinicians

 

Read the transcript here:

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Hi there.

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This is Doctor Theresa Regan.

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I'm joining you for an episode of autism in the Adult podcast.

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I'm a neuropsychologist,

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the founder and director of an autism diagnostic clinic in Central Illinois.

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And I'm the parent of a teen on the spectrum.

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Did you know that I did a podcast series on talking about autism?

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This was in February of 2022.

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It had three episodes where I covered things like how to talk to other people about your journey to seek a diagnostic evaluation or how to tell people that you've received a new diagnosis of autism.

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We cover topics about how to process and navigate the emotions of other people during conversations about autism.

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And we also reviewed how to talk to someone that you are familiar with --someone in your family,

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someone that you know -- about the possibility that they are on the spectrum.

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Maybe they haven't thought about it that way,

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but you recognize some characteristics in them.

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I'm going to put a link to this series talking about autism in the show notes.

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But today you are joining me for episode number four in a series about intentional living on the autism spectrum,

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we all get into rhythms and routines that have a life of their own.

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Sometimes our schedules,

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what we typically do,

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what we don't do... things that crop up in our lives.

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They catch us up in their momentum and sometimes it's just nice to pause and to step back and really see if the life that we're living lines up with where we'd like to be in the future.

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Are we choosing this life?

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Are we being swept away without really pausing to make some choices and decisions?

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And certainly we can't have the final say in everything that our life entails.

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But we really will be able to capture more of our dreams and visions for the future

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if we pause and make choices that line up with those...

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those goals that we have.

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This need to pause and reevaluate our intentions and choices is a universal human need.

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But we're spending some time talking about this in the context of autism because sometimes the individual on the spectrum will struggle more with this,

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possibly because they have difficulty switching gears from the typical routine or maybe this individual has problems finding the energy or the momentum to get going with something new.

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This person may feel like it's challenging to get out of the hyper focus of the moment and to try to think long term.

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So in the first episode for this series,

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we talked about how to get to the point where you can actually choose a goal that is difficult in itself.

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We outlined several life categories that you could analyze to see if you would like to think of a goal in these categories.

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Now,

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the second episode was about how to make specific goals within a category.

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So we want the goal to help us shift from our current place and leave the boundaries of our comfort zone.

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But we don't want it to be overwhelming or self defeating because we picked a goal that's just too difficult,

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too big...

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feels insurmountable.

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The third episode in this series about living with intention had to do with strategies to reach goals within the area of health and wellness specifically with regulation.

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And this is often a good place to start in our lives when we're trying to grow and challenge ourselves.

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Because if we're setting goals,

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this is really us setting a goal to do difficult things.

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And if we're not regulated when we start these goals,

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if we're not feeling grounded,

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centered,

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calm and psychologically present,

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attentive and rested,

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it's really difficult to leave our comfort zone in any other area to really have intentional living.

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So it is often nice to make sure that we're really well regulated before we jump into any other goals.

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So now today you are listening to the fourth episode and we're going to focus on intentional living within communication and relationships.

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And you may be asking why do I need to have social goals?

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Well,

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you don't,

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your communication and your social network don't have to match any particular template that others use.

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But at the same time,

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if you have a vision for your future,

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you may need to grow in certain areas of communication or connection so that you can meet the goals that you do have.

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For example,

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one person may want to become a history teacher because they love history.

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That is a great goal.

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It's a way of sharing your love of a topic with other people.

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But you'll also need to have some skills for communication,

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updates with your work team and with your students and families.

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Maybe about projects or grades,

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you'll have to have communication skills to interact with people who are really upset with you or disagree with you.

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Maybe you'll be put in charge of a major project for the school and you'll have to present on the topic.

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If you already have these skills,

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that's super,

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you don't need to grow in this area.

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But if you don't focusing on this area of growth may help you in the future as you take your path toward your ultimate goals.

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Another example would be someone who's just retired and maybe they're finding it difficult to connect or get along with their partner now that they're both at home a lot.

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So perhaps this person has a goal to connect in a more effective way.

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She may have a goal for communication and connecting in the home with this new life season of retirement.

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In contrast,

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you may be someone who's all set in this area.

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But in the future,

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you may want to have some things tucked away for different tasks or goals that crop up along the way this episode may be for you.

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So let's focus on three things to keep in mind that may help you reach a goal for more effective communication and connection in a particular area of your life.

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And let's face it,

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you are probably already super good at communicating about topics,

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facts,

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details,

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things like teaching about history or telling your partner that we're out of milk and somebody's got to get this supply at the store.

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Well,

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the trickier area of communication more often shows up when we're in an interaction and we start thinking,

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wow,

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what just happened here?

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What did this person react to in this conversation?

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I'm not even sure where they're coming from.

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I don't know what this person wants from me.

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After all,

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I was right about what I said.

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So why all this emotion or all this up and down?

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Let's look at a few areas of focus that can balance out that connection piece.

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First of all,

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I want to introduce and bring more into your awareness,

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this focus on the other.

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So when you are communicating with someone,

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whether that is a history teacher,

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talking to a parent or a woman who's just retired,

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talking to her partner.

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There is a difference between communication that's factually correct and communication that is effective.

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It helps to be correct.

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But we also want communication that's more than correct.

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We want it to be productive,

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helpful,

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valuable and fruitful.

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So remember what your goals are,

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is your goal to strengthen your relationship with your partner? is your goal to be a history teacher? ...and all these other goals you might have where communication and connection are important to meet that goal.

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One way to improve the effectiveness of our communication is to be able to pause during an interaction and focus on the other person rather than on the topic.

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And sometimes to be honest,

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this whole interaction happens and we never pause and we're a bit surprised and taken aback.

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And we process things after that's OK too.

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The goal eventually will be able to pause and process a bit during the interaction to adjust.

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But we may start by analyzing and thinking through things after the fact,

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focus on the other person.

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So ask yourself things like what does this person need from me right now?

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Other than being correct about the facts,

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I'm saying,

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what do they need from me in the social conversation?

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Maybe they need to feel heard or they need you to understand how difficult their day has been or they need you to know and really recognize their contribution to the team even though you've decided to take the work project in another direction.

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Now,

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these kinds of wonderings and kind of exploring these questions,

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this could be something that we do in a counseling or therapy session really in depth,

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right?

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So if you are trying to um process your relationship with your partner,

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maybe you process interactions with a therapist.

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But there are also probably a few things to say during these interactions that might help um you focus on the other,

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the other person's needs.

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So you could say things like,

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tell me more about how you're doing and what I can do to help? if somebody has come up to you and they're upset,

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they're emotional,

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they're in really a confrontational moment.

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-- Letting them know that you'd like to know how they're doing and what you can do to help ... can be a connecting moment.

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What do you want me to know that you feel like I don't understand about what your experience is.

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What are your needs in this situation?

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Tell me what you need... or I really value you and I do want to be part of the solution,

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not the problem.

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Do you need to say these specific words?

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No,

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it's important to make them your own and to match them to the person that you're talking to in the context.

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But the sentiment is there that you want good things to come out of this conversation that you want to know where they're coming from and what you can do um to advance things,

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support them,

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make things better.

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The basic idea is to pause and to ask for input about what they need in this situation.

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And it doesn't mean you have to change your opinion or your decisions.

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But in the midst of factual things like projects and chores making plans,

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there's still value that is found in recognizing the needs of the other during these interactions.

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And that can help bridge the gap from conversation that is factual to conversation,

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that is effective.

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The second thing I'd like you to keep in mind.

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And this is also a way of focusing on connecting with the other is the use of compliments and gratitude.

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This is another way that we can attend to the person and set the stage for the communication and the relationship.

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So some would say this person's only doing their job,

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why do I have to compliment them or thank them?

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I don't need that.

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I don't want that.

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I don't even like that.

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But this is a relatively easy thing that helps attend to what the other person needs even if you don't need it.

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So it sets the stage for people to understand how you view them.

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And when difficult things do happen in the relationship,

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the way that we interpret those may have to do with how this stage has been set in the past.

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For example,

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if is this a person who really knows for multiple examples in the past that you value them.

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And therefore this glitch in communication or this disagreement,

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it's tough,

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maybe it's unpleasant but it's not monumental.

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Or is this someone who really doesn't know that you value them?

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And therefore every communication glitch is really a big deal.

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So compliments and gratitude set the stage.

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This is how I think about you.

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This is how I think about our team.

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Again,

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I see you,

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I value you and it doesn't have to be mushy and emotional.

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It should fit the context and the person.

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But again,

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just a very uh brief uh effective way of adding to that connection during communication.

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Let's talk about two levels of compliment.

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One is a compliment about a skill or achievement and one is a compliment about a personal attribute.

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So the second one is really a higher level.

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Um and it gives a stronger message that I see you and I value you,

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not only do I see your product and I appreciate the product,

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but I see the person that produced that and,

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and I value your contribution.

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Now,

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they're both powerful and you can choose the type that you use based on how well you know the person,

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what your goal is in that social interaction and what else is happening in the context.

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For example,

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a partner who's trying to improve his relationship with his spouse could either say this is a delicious dinner.

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It's great to come home after all these pressured meetings to a really pleasant meal.

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And I thank you so much for fixing it.

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That would be a really nice way to set the relationship stage that you see the work that went into this and you've enjoyed the meal and you're grateful.

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Now,

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if it's a partner use this next level of compliment,

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he may have said you are such a great cook and you seem to know just what would help me unwind from a long and pressured day at work.

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I so appreciate that about you.

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Compliments and thank yous this gratitude and acknowledgement of the other,

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what they've brought the skill sets,

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they have individual attributes.

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This can all help set the stage for a relationship that the other person feels safe and happy with.

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The third way of adding to this communication,

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that's not only factual but also effective is to think about to identify and discuss topics and life events that are important to the other person,

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even when they are not important to you,

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you really honestly don't care about them.

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But again,

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we're looking for communication that's effective.

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And you're choosing those moments when you are really working toward your longer term goals that I do want to have a better work team relationship.

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I do want to be able to be an effective teacher.

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So listen for things that are important to the other person and this might be things about their family it's good to know with people that you see or work with on a regular basis.

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What's their partner's name?

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What are their kids' names?

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What family are they interacting with?

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Who do they live with?

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Maybe they're talking about taking their son to his soccer tournament this weekend.

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This may be topics that they're passionate about but you are not.

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Maybe they love sci-fi movies or quilting might even be milestones in their life.

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It could be that they've had a birthday recently or a marriage anniversary.

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Maybe they've moved into a new apartment or purchased their first home.

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Even though these things are not important to you,

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they are important to the other and connecting in a more effective way with this person is part of your intentional life choice.

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You may consider making an effort to interact with this person once a week or once a month just to ask about things that are important to them.

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You don't have to know about the topic in order to bring it up in conversation.

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So people will say,

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well,

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not only do I not know about sci-fi movies,

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but I'm really not at all interested and I don't know what I would say.

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Um That's ok,

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this is about them.

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The goal is not to add content and correct factual information.

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The goal is to connect effectively and to set the stage of connection and you can do that without any factual knowledge.

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So you could say I don't know much about that topic.

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Uh,

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what do you like most about it?

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What first got you interested in,

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in that area?

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What's coming up related to that topic?

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So,

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let's say this is the sci-fi lover and you might say,

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hey,

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any big movies coming up that you're gonna go see.

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I'm not,

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um,

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up on what's at the movie theater.

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Um,

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so then this invites them to talk about their favorite topic And then later you could ask them how the movie was or someone who has,

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um,

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a real love for fish tanks and fish and little um villages in the fish tank that they build.

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Um You could say,

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hey,

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any new fish in your fish tank lately,

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what if you got that's new?

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Do you have a picture?

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So the purpose is not to contribute to a topic.

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The purpose is not to be correct.

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The purpose is to say,

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hey,

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I see you.

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I hear you.

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Um And I'm really acknowledging what's important to you.

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You could say,

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hey,

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how did the move to your new apartment go this weekend?

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Did you get hit with the rain?

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You can acknowledge what a big job it is to move and say,

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hey,

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I hope you feel settled in soon.

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You could say,

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how did your son's soccer tournament go?

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Did he feel good about it?

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Did you get to visit any interesting places or?

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I'm so glad you guys have that opportunity.

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What a big commitment that is,

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but I'm sure you'll have lots of great memories and perhaps you set a goal where you're going to ask someone on your work team,

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a follow up question once a week or three times a week and you're gonna rotate people.

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This is a way to make the goal real and to keep that intentionality in mind while working toward the goals that you do have.

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Now,

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there is so much we could cover about communicating and connecting.

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But hopefully this episode gives you some concrete things to use today in your relationships.

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We've reviewed the importance of pausing during an interaction to think about or ask the person what they need.

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We reviewed types of compliments and ways of expressing gratitude and how these can set the stage for helping with future interactions.

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And we reviewed that acknowledging what topics and life events are important to the other person can also really increase the value and fruitfulness of an interaction.

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If you want to dive deeper into communication and connection topics,

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there are great resources out there.

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Now,

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I don't have any financial interest in any of these products.

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I'm just offering some ideas of things that have helped or helped my clients in the past.

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I've linked some of my favorites in the show notes and one is a great book called The Science of Making Friends,

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which highlights strategies from the peers program that's out of U C L A.

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And there are chapters on finding and choosing good friends,

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elements of good conversations,

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dealing with arguments,

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handling and addressing,

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teasing and cyberbullying,

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minimizing rumors and gossip and changing a bad reputation.

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Now,

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this is a book that's focused on an audience of teens and young adults.

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I like to take those kind of books and apply the basic concepts to whatever age group I'm working with.

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But if you really don't relate to books in that way,

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and it's going to be distracting if people in the examples are from a different generation,

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that book may not be for you.

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There are also well known books such as Better Small Talk by Patrick King,

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How To Win Friends and Influence people by Dale Carnegie and Crucial Conversations by multiple people,

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Joseph Granny Carri Patterson,

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Ron mcmillan and Switzer.

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This book is a great tool to expand your skills at persuasion without being abrasive and to engage in conversations.

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Even when emotions are really running high,

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we're gonna need to know how to do that.

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If we're gonna be in connecting relationships that are really fruitful.

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There are many other great sources out there as well and I encourage you to find some that speak to you.

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Well,

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thanks again for joining me for this fourth episode of The Living With Intention Series.

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If you have goals that require you to expand your repertoire for communicating and connecting,

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I hope these tips and resources are a great place to start.

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Join me next time as we continue this series about intentional living on the autism spectrum.