Using 'How can I help?' with young people

Why do leaders jump so quickly to giving advice? And why does it so often backfire? In this episode, Michael Bungay Stanier explains why the “advice monster” is one of our biggest leadership liabilities—and how seven simple questions can help you listen better, coach smarter, and build stronger connections. Filled with humor, story, empathy, and practical scripts, this episode is a masterclass in everyday leadership.

Memorable Quotes

1. “When you ask a question and they actually have to think about it, you're literally creating new neural pathways in their brain—or at least they're creating their own neural pathways—so they're literally becoming smarter right in front of you.”
2. “More deeply than an ‘answer,’ much of the time people want to feel deeply heard, deeply seen, and deeply encouraged. And your ‘answer’ often means they feel less seen, less heard, and less encouraged.”
3. “One of the great moments of claiming adulthood is being clear on what you want to say ‘yes’ to—and knowing that inevitably you have to say ‘no’ to things to get that.”
4. “Every time you jump in with your ideas and your opinions and your advice—particularly if it's your default reaction—you’re basically reinforcing, ‘I'm better than you are. I'm smarter and wiser and older and faster and just generally better than you. You are not as good as I am.’ There’s a degree to which you're diminishing that other person rather than helping them.”
5. “There's a time and a place where [giving advice] is the right thing to be doing. The way I define coaching is: Can you stay curious a little bit longer? Can you rush to action and advice-giving a little bit more slowly?”
6. “One of the phrases I've started saying to people who are going through a tough time is simply, ‘I'm Team Michael. I'm Team Megan.…I'm Team whoever that person might be.’ It’s my way of saying, ‘I love you and I want the best for you, and I don't even know what to do—or I can’t think of anything to do—so I'm just trying to be with you in this moment.’”
7. “One of the questions that I’ve found most helpful—particularly if I'm the more senior person in the relationship—is: ‘What needs to be said that hasn't yet been said?’”

Key Takeaways

1. The “Advice Monster” Is Real. Our instinct to help by offering answers often diminishes others. Curiosity, not certainty, is what truly empowers people.
2. Questions Create Ownership. When people generate their own ideas, they’re more confident, more committed, and more capable.
3. Seven Questions Change Everything. Michael’s practical framework gives you a simple playbook for better conversations. His personal favorite? “And what else?”
4. Curiosity Deepens Every Relationship. Parents, partners, bosses—everyone benefits when you resist the urge to fix and choose to listen instead.
5. Better Conversations Start With Permission. Rather than assume what someone needs, lead with humility and ask: How can I be most useful here?
6. Coaching Is for Everyday Life. You don’t have to be a professional coach for this to matter. These tools transform team meetings, parenting moments, and even difficult conversations at home.

Resources

• The Coaching Habit by Michael Bungay Stanier
• The Advice Trap by Michael Bungay Stanier
• How to Work With (Almost) Anyone by Michael Bungay Stanier
• Box of Crayons (Curiosity-driven leadership program)

Watch on YouTube at:  https://youtu.be/WOjq8aMbr5k

This episode was produced by Sarah Vorhees Wendel of VW Sound